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Bruce Jenner Is Back To Carving (page 33199)

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Bruce Jenner is back to doing what he does best: carving. Only this time, it’s not his face he’s taking a knife to. It’s Usain Bolt’s legacy. Bolt, of course, glossed himself the greatest athlete ever at the Summer Games. But Jenner, the former decathlete and current Kardashian gravy-trainer, told TMZ, Bolt’s not nearly the athlete he was: “he’s the best sprinter. He can’t pole vault; he can’t throw anything…that’s an athlete.” Right, because that’s the true measure of athletic prowess: the pole vault. It’s more parlor trick than it is a sport, and I’m sure if you gave Bolt a big pole and about a half hour, he could top your personal best, Bruce. Decathletes never think they get the run they deserve, but if they were all that, they would have developed a jump shot or a stiff arm. But they obviously couldn’t. Hey Bruce, just because a guy chucks a metal Frisbee and does a little high jump doesn’t make him Bo Jackson. Eyes on the prize, my man: your next cheek implant: now don’t you have to go stage that big fight between Kourtney and Rob. And talk directing about Kim’s next tape.

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