Dry Out Tomato (page 33675)
Speaking of drunk athletes…how about Shaun White? You know him: he’s got the crazy red lettuce, the tomato gloss, multiple Olympic medals. You know, he’s the face of snowboarding. Except now, he looks more like the faces of meth. Looks like the flying tomato got squashed. Actually, he just got drunk. Allegedly. Probably. Pretty much definitely. How else would you explain him pulling a hotel fire alarm at 2 am, destroying a hotel phone and then slamming into another hotel guest who was chasing him. My man, I know there’s two sides to every story and I can’t wait to hear yours. Because it takes a special kind of jerk to pull a hotel fire alarm in the middle of the night. We’ve all done really stupid things, but none of us have done that. Dude, there probably isn’t anyone watching who wouldn’t switch places with you. You’ve been blessed with a perfect life, stop trying to jack it up. And dry out, tomato.