40 Going On 70

Tiger Woods team of mechanics worked around the clock to get the hydraulics in his back to fire in time for the Masters. They couldn’t advance past the testing phase, he’s out for Augusta, but in a small victory for Team TiBorg, his Artificial Intelligence communication module was able to emit the following communication on his website.

“AFTER ASSESSING THE PRESENT CONDITION OF MY BACK, AND CONSULTING WITH MY MEDICAL TEAM, I’VE DECIDED IT’S PRUDENT TO MISS THIS YEAR’S MASTERS.”

Credit the Bot, at least he cleared some things up. Because when you heard Tiger is missing the Masters… you didn’t know if he was talking about this year’s, next year’s, the next TEN years.

Who the hell really knows what kind of timeline Tiger even has. His own agent doesn’t even know. Mark Sternberg says “I do expect him back on the golf course this year. But there’s no timetable.”

They don’t even know if it’s 6 weeks or 9 months. And which golf course will he be on? The one that he lives on? He’s been on that course already. For a long, long time. And frankly- it’s a good thing he’s not going to be on the course at Augusta. Because even if you’re a diehard Tiger honk with a closet of red polos and victory red blades in your bag… you don’t want to see that old Cat out there spitting a couple 78s, grimacing on every tee shot and peacing out Friday.

And the rest of the world doesn’t need 2 days of constant Tiger updates when the real attention should be on guys who matter like Jordan, Rory and Rickie.

If Tige drags his back out there on Thursday, then every leaderboard shot comes with the obligatory “Tiger is lurking” mention. He’s 9 back. He’s not lurking. He’s limping. Nobody needs to see that. Not even his biggest fans.

You want to see Eldrick show up in the green jacket? The guy probably can’t even contort his spine to put the thing ON! The Masters is about tradition. The Par 3 competition. Butler Cabin. The ceremonial tee shots. Well, get ready for a new one. Because this old man is now 40 going on 70, and the new tradition “unlike any other” at the Masters is going to be a 4-time winner not playing in it.

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