Gasbag Radio Guy

Nevermind Manziel. You know who’s really hitting it hard and is high as hell this morning? Lay-it-up gasbag radio guy.

That’s where the real party is – right in his studio. Because he only has to show up there about 12 seconds before his show starts today. Because that’s how long it takes to put on the cans, grab the brand-new 2016 NFL Schedule, and start spitting out predictions for how all 32 teams will finish.

Gasbag Guy’s drug of choice is easy radio. And it doesn’t get any easier… than having his producer slap a fresh ink cartridge into the printer… Churning out a nice warm copy of the schedule… And then spending the next 3-4 hours going Miss Cleo on it. And it’s going to be all 100% wrong anyway.

“Bracketologists” who slid West Virginia and Michigan State into their Final 4 think these all these tools’ picks are going to be a joke.

That’s what’s great about the NFL – there’s always a bunch of big-time surprise teams, and a bunch of big expectation failures who turned out to be terrible. Nobody knew the Panthers were going to be 15-1 last year. Just like nobody called the Chargers going 4-12. And we won’t know who does it next season – for about 8 months.

And yet here we are in April, and this dude wants to kick his feet up, slam a couple Nuprin for that hangover, and act like saying he’s got the Steelers coming in at 11-5 is smokin’ hot fire. It’s garbage.

And so is a segment breaking down the bye weeks, like they’re some sort of NFL success skeleton key. We know, we know-  you need a late bye week to rest up for the playoff push! THE PACKERS ARE DOOMED, THEY’VE GOT THEIR BYE ALL THE WAY UP IN WEEK 4!!! Yeah so did the Patriots last year. The Panthers had Week 5.

Any other fire, big guy? I love when he just straight-up murder teams for losing games they haven’t even played yet. MIAMI STARTS WITH SEATTLE AND NEW ENGLAND! WELL SAY HELLO TO 0-2! How do you know dude? 0-2 – what like the Seahawks were last year? The Dolphins have beaten the Pats in 3 straight seasons. Did you know that? Do you care?

I’d tell you to at least do a quick Google during commercial breaks- but I know those are your smoke breaks. Nobody wants to hear your picks. They want to hear takes. And “I’ve got the Niners going 6-10 this year” – is not a take. It’s not even an opinion. It’s white noise nonsense. It’s nothing.

I love the NFL. But I’m not getting all excited about a “Schedule release” – let alone torturing my listeners by making rank predictions about it. But don’t let me stop your party. Because your weekend has already started.

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