Let’s talk some damn soccer.. Yeah I said it. And yeah I watched it.
But don’t look for me to sit here and tee off on soccer, run the same old Capri Sun smack and tell you again how much I hate the sport. Because I’ve gotta say – US v. Argentina was awesome.
If every soccer game was like that – then you’ve really got something. Because that’s not the game I’ve been cracking so hard over the years. That was the beautiful game.
Finally, now, I see what all you purists have been talking about. It’s all coming clear to me now. Maybe, it’s because I didn’t have to wait four hours for a goal to be scored.
In fact, I didn’t even have to wait four minutes. This is the era of the Vine-length attention span. I’ve got things to do, things to see, if I’m going to force myself in front of the box to watch a soccer game, I don’t’ want to wait all day for the action. And Argentina made sure we didn’t have to.
Ol Uncle Sam had barely velcroe’d on their shin guards before the ball was in the back of their net.
That goal certainly got my attention. Look, even the most casual observer knows how good Argentina is. That really shouldn’t have surprised anyone, including the U.S. team that was powerless to prevent it.
But there’s no way they sustain it. Sure, I expected Argentina to press the hell out of the Americans, but a goal in the first few minutes means you won’t see another one for weeks, right? Wrong. Argentina got FOUR of them. I said 4. In one game.
That’s the equivalent of Ohio State putting up what, like, 18 touchdowns? Because America taking on Argentina felt like a community college team going into Bryant Denny to take on Alabama.
Right around the time Leo Messi used some kind of black magic voodoo witchcraft to bend that free kick for a goal, that’s when you knew Team USA wanted nothing to do with this one. This was Soccer LeBron laughing at them.
That’s the dude’s 55th goal of his career.
Look, I know we have no U.S. player anywhere near this guy. But if you took every U.S. player in the history of this sport, and added up all the goals they’ve scored, would we even have 25? I mean, I’m not here to hate, I’m here to RE-LATE. And I’m having a hard time relating to the fact that we didn’t get a single shot on goal last night. Not one.
To quote the late Pat Tillman, once again, that was a NICE. SWIFT. ASS-KICKING.
But again, I’m not complaining. Notice you’re not hearing me say, that’s 3 hours of my life I’ll never get back. Sure, I’m as patriotic as the next guy; and I sure as hell didn’t enjoy seeing the U.S. team get humiliated on the world stage like that. But on some level it worked for me, because there was actually something there for me. Sure, the Americans couldn’t’ do anything and had no business being on the same pitch as Messi and his crew. But the fans didn’t burn anything. There wasn’t a single riot shield or German shepherd on the pitch at any time.
Even when a fan ran on the field and approached Messi… I thought here we go, what’s he got: A bottle rocket, or a bag of blood? Or both? But neither. He was peaceful.
And for once, I found the beautiful game to actually be beautiful. There was scoring. There were highlights. There were famous players getting off. And there was nobody in stands getting stretchered off.
Don’t hang your head, US soccer fan. Hell, look at the bright side- at least it wasn’t Ghana that got you this time, soccer fan: