Can somebody ship a palette of brown paper bags to the world’s largest outdoor bar? For once, Cubs fans around Wrigley don’t need those bags to conceal their booze – they need them to breath into.

Because that hood has gone from World Series party to panic attack in about 12 seconds. An unbeatable team that was going to smash the season wins record? They’ve lost 6 of 7.

The Cubbies have blown past the Cardinals in the central? Swept at Wrigley.

Jake Arrieta’s unhittable ghost does yoga and might not lose for the rest of his career? Either that or he’s lost 3 of his last 5 starts.

And the Cubs have lost all their mojo as they’re falling apart.

I tried to jump in front of this thing 6 weeks ago. You remember Wrigley- when grown men were already crying because their dad’s will die happy after seeing the Cubs win a World Series? Yeah, or they’ll drop dead of cardiac arrest when the Cubs don’t even make the playoffs. Because that would be the most Chicago Cubs thing ever. From thinking they’re going to win 120 games, to not even being able to rip the wild card.

To the question of what the hell’s wrong with these guys? Better question: what’s not. Joe Maddon says “we have to firm things up. We’re making some mistakes on defense… Beyond that, we have to gather up our bullpen also… The hitting has wavered a bit also.”

There’s your answer, Cubs fan – your skip just listing every facet of the game.  He sounds like the late great Mike in San Diego’ well, our defense isn’t defending well… Our bullpen isn’t penning well… Our hitters aren’t hitting well…..  And your bleachers are hitting the sauce. Hard.

Maddon’s not panicking. But maybe he should. I know this – this slide isn’t going to stop because Maddon has them dress in wacky road costumes hires a mariachi band for the clubhouse or brings back those mimes from spring training. If the Cubs were mimes right now, they’d be doing the stuck-in-a-windstorm routine.

No the only gimmick Maddon’s breaking out is the old boxing metaphor, where he has said the Cubs are in a fight, they got cut a little bit and they have to keep going. Got cut a little bit? Joseph, this is the team’s worst streak in 2 years. That’s not a cut. It’s Hasim Rahman’s tiny head growing out of his head.

And you haven’t even started hearing about goats and cats and curses yet. You will, believe me. Because this team is about 1 week away from looting in Wrigleyville and Bartman trending on twitter.



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