Never mind the 4th. July 1st is the big day. It’s Canada Day. It’s Smack-off Day. And it’s Get Sober Day for Idiotface.

Last seen wearing a Josh Gordon jersey in Cabo and screaming IT’S LIT on Instagram… John Manziel now tells TMZ that he’s going completely sober starting July 1st. Of what year, John? 2031?

And does he mean he’s going completely sober ON July 1st… and he’s going sober FOR July 1st? Like, a one day detox.

Doesn’t he have to hit one hour first? And considering the bender he’s been on, can he even sober up before the calendar flips to the first? For a lot of us, a wicked bender could take 24 hours to recover. If he’s been on one since last year, is there even enough pedialyte and Advil to clear his head before… August 1st?

Look, I hope this happens. I truly do hope that he gets control of himself, has the will and desire to get clean, to get healthy. I’m not rooting against this guy. In fact, I’m rooting for him. Do the right thing, get the help you need and, I will be right here on this mic giving him props for it. I just don’t see it happening.

Because he sounds like the obese dude who says – The diet starts next week! Then it’s next month. Then it’s – Well, it’s already October, so I think I’ll start looking towards the new year, and then the work starts. No it doesn’t.

Why would July 1st be the time Johnny stops? If he was going to stop drugging and drinking- he should have chosen December 1st. Before he showed up drunk to practice. Or before January 1st. Before he was in Vegas with that mustache the night before a Browns game and before he allegedly hit his lady. Or before March 1st, when the Browns cut him. Or before June 1st…before he got sued for leaving a rented house littered with drugs and booze.

I’m rooting for him, but I’m not counting on him. Especially if he’s going sober right before one of the biggest drinking days of the year.

Manziel saying he’s going sober right before the 4th of July is like Pablo Sandoval saying he’s cutting out sugar right before Halloween. It’s probably not happening. That’s when Cold Turkey can turn into Wild Turkey, real fast.

And I don’t exactly expect the pack of tools he rolls with to support him. If that crew had any concern for him, they would have jumped in and helped him months ago. I don’t care whether it’s staying out of the fridge, getting into the gym, or putting down the bottle.

Arbitrarily setting some date that you’re going to change your life, is one of the surest signs that you won’t.

I hope it happens. But on July 1st, I’m more confident that Golden Ticket recipient Chad in L.A. will win the Smack-Off, than Johnny in Cabo will stop the party.


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