Not Jeeaah!

Of course, in the buildup to the Olympics all the stories were about how having these games in Rio was a terrible idea. That the venues weren’t ready. The Olympic Village had plumbing problems. That water was polluted and there were body parts washing up on beaches. And then Michael Phelps started doing his thing. Simone Manuel made history and Simone Biles went legend and all of that bad press started to disappear.

Sure, the diving venue had to be shut down because the water was green and in the words of one German diver “the whole building smells like a fart.” But that happens. Maybe. Probably not.

But anyway, all that bad publicity and the emergency workers greeting visitors at the airport with a “Welcome to Hell” banner must’ve have been all wrong, right?

We always hear about how jacked up every Olympiad will be, and they always turn out just fine, right? Wrong. Tell that to Ryan Lochte and three other US swimmers who were robbed early yesterday morning. Not only robbed, but robbed at gunpoint, by people posing as cops, as they were taking a taxi home from a party. Freaking incredible.

But the description Lochte gave to NBC is even better:

“We got pulled over, in the taxi, and these guys came out with a badge, a police badge, no lights, no nothing just a police badge and they pulled us over. They pulled out their guns, they told the other swimmers to get down on the ground — they got down on the ground. I refused, I was like we didn’t do anything wrong, so — I’m not getting down on the ground.

And then the guy pulled out his gun, he cocked it, put it to my forehead and he said, ‘Get down,’ and I put my hands up, I was like ‘whatever.’ He took our money, he took my wallet — he left my cell phone, he left my credentials.”

Awesome. Not the crime, but Lochte’s reaction to it. He gets a gun put to his forehead and his response is “whatever.”  Maybe, the bro-eest thing ever.

I’m guessing 99.999 percent of the world has never had a gun pointed to their head and that 100 percent of those who have would be freaking out, crying and begging for their life. Not Jeeaah!

He reacted like someone told him his hair was bluer than the water they’re all swimming in, in Rio. WHATEVER.

Sounds pretty scary to me. But judging from Bro’s reaction; he’s either the dumbest or bravest guy ever…whatever?! He’s like, c’mon dudes! You’re killing my vibe. Pretty hard to be Bro-tastic when you losers are showing up, pretending to be cops and robbing us. Extremely uncool, dudes. We’re just here to party; why are you messing with our buzz?

Listen, the shock isn’t that a highly decorated athlete was robbed at gunpoint in the Rio Games; it’s that it didn’t happen sooner.

And the only thing richer than it happening was the IOC predictably rushing in to say it didn’t happen. That it could never happen on their watch. IOC Director of Communications Mark Adams said. When asked about it initially, Adams said “I can tell you the story is absolutely not true.” And chased that by calling it a “false story.” Awesome. Way to hold up the IOC’s sparkling reputation.

Lochte’s own mother said she spoke to Lochte as it happened, but the IOC still went with “absolutely not true.” Nope, nothing to see here. Keep moving.

Dudes don’t just go around pretending to be cops and sticking guns in athletes’ faces. Uh, yes they do, Mark. Hell, when I first heard the story, I just assumed it was one of the crooks in the IOC that did it. Keep doing you, IOC. Don’t ever change.

As for Lochte, if it was going to happen to a U.S. athlete, you had to assume it would be him. And while he won’t commit to swimming in 2020, I really hope he does, because I really need to see this dude in four years. I can live with Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt calling it a day, but I really need to see Lochte again.

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