And I know what a bunch of you are thinking, yeah, yeah, the NFL is back, whatever, Rome, just give me a Bruce Miller update. And normally, I don’t want to give you what you want because what you want isn’t necessarily good for the show. In fact it never is. I’m always shocked that so many of you profess your love for the show and then do everything in your power to wreck the show.

But alas, there is a Bruce Miller update, and it is a sports story, or at least a story involving a former NFL player, so I’ll give you the update.

Miller was charged yesterday with not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, but seven felonies and one misdemeanor for the incident over the weekend that left a 70-year-old man with a broken face and a trip to the hospital. This dude should slam this play list on a card and wear it on his wrist because there’s no way he’s remembering all of it; none of us could:

2 counts of criminal threats

1 count of battery

1 count of assault with force likely to cause great bodily injury

1 count of inflicting injury on an elder or dependent adult likely to cause great bodily injury

1 count of battery with serious bodily injury

1 count of assault with force likely to cause great bodily injury

1 count of assault with a deadly weapon, not a firearm (weapon alleged is a cane).

WHAT?!!!?!?? He not only broke an old man’s face. Not only beat up an elderly citizen but it sounds like he smashed him with his own cane. Dude, it’s a walking stick not a pipe. It’s there to help the old man get around, not for you to weaponize. He beat him with his own cane!?? How the hell does that happen: Miller has to be either the worst guy ever, the drunkest guy ever, or the most mentally unstable dude ever. And if this is what it appears, I’m going to say all three.

Why stop there? Did he rip dude’s bedpan and smash in the face with that too? Like, don’t think I won’t beat you with your own pill organizer, old timer, because I will. Dude’s like Jason Bourne, except instead of taking down terrorists he’s going after retirees. Retirees who are minding their own business, in their own hotel room.

The more we learn about this night, the worse Miller looks. And I didn’t think it could get much worse. Arguing with strangers over brisket sandwiches. Weird. Sending a 70-year old to the hospital, bad. Beating a 70-year old with his own cane, monster.

I know everyone’s had a night that got away from them. Where they wished they’d handled things differently. But I’m sure that almost nobody’s bad night included beating an elderly stranger with his own medical device.

Is it the worst night ever? Probably not. Just like I’m not going to say that Bruce Miller is the worst guy ever, but man, if that’s how that all went down, he’s in the same area code with the worst dude ever. Because beating a 70-year old man with his own cane and breaking his face, is one of the worst things ever.


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