Weird Read

If Rex is going to have any success this year, it won’t be because he beats the Jets tonight. He still has to figure out how to get past the Patriots in the division. The Bills caught a break in the schedule by facing the Pats in Week 4, which means they’ll be without Tom Brady.

And speaking of Brady, what is that crazy cat up to while he’s on suspension? Well, New York Magazine caught up with him and the result is one of the strangest things you’ll ever read. So weird, in fact, that I’m not even sure it’s real, or if someone is trolling us. Hard.

The magazine asked him what he does with all his new-found downtime: “I like to take a little nap here and there. Read a book. Definitely listen to music. Anything that is just chilling a little bit.”

Coooooool. And since the whole article was a not-at-all subtle plug for the slipper company he endorses, there were a ton of mentions of casual footwear. And also some really weird descriptions lines like:

“I don’t get the opportunity to do nothing, like I used to,” he explains wistfully, slouching in the style of a confident man on an olive velvet couch at the Viceroy hotel in midtown. He smells like clean wood. He looks like a cardboard cutout of Tom Brady.

And this reads like a drug-addled diary. Smells like clean wood? Looks like a cardboard cutout of himself? Are we plugging slippers or dropping acid?

And the weirdness wasn’t just confined to the journalist. Check this excerpt:

“I’m 39 and I get to play football for a living. There are not a lot of people who get that chance,” he says, an even more wistful, contemplative twinkle clouding his eyes. “Part of that is because of the way that I treat my body.”

“An even more wistful, contemplative twinkle clouding his eyes?!?!?!” Dude, Tim Tebow’s “thick polygons and smooth flat planes and inescapable corn-fed handsomeness” can’t believe someone just wrote that description. Holy crap. But in truth, we’d only begun our journey to into the bizarre.

Let Tommy tell you how he treats his body: Do you need to eat a cheeseburger every day to realize that you love a cheeseburger?” He ponders, Confucius-like. “Or could you eat it once a week … or once every two weeks … or once a month … or once every two months?”

Groovy, man. Just let your mind marinate in that one. I mean, that’s brilliant. Like, once you realize you love cheeseburgers, how often do you really need to eat them to know you love them? Dude. Mind blown!

But, Tom Brady, or the cardboard cutout of Tom Brady that smells like wood, wasn’t done talking about food. “I’ve never eaten a strawberry in my life. I have no desire to do that.” Never, the questioner questioned. “Absolutely not.”

This just took a turn from brilliant to weird. I mean, if you’re going to lie about something, (allegedly) why would it be that? Sure, deny that you ever deflated any footballs or instructed anyone to deflate a football. (allegedly). But you sure as hell best not sit here and tell all us you’ve never once eaten a strawberry. How is that even possible? It’s one of the most popular fruits in history. And it’s used in almost everything. You’re telling me the guy who’s famous for eating avocado ice cream has never had strawberry ice cream? I’m calling bull on that. What, blueberry’s our cool, but your reaction to Strawberry’s, is aawww hell no!

But just because he hasn’t had the kind of food that most people have, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have the kind of dreams that most people have:

“I’ve always been the slowest guy on the team, so I’d love to be like Usain Bolt. I’d love to be the fastest guy on the planet.” Philosophically, he adds, “When I’m on the field, I sometimes think, Man if I could just run away from everybody, how hard would this game really be?”

Right on, daddy-o. Just run away from everybody. Free yourself from the restrictions and confines of the Man. Just be wild and free.

Honestly, is this real life? Did they do this interview with Brady when he was coming back from the dentist? Or pilled up? Or something. Because I’m not sure if that interview was real or just really weird.

Truthfully, I hate that the Patriots have all these interesting guys who won’t ever say jack to anyone because the Patriot Way has been pounded into them. Hate that Brady has never once done an interview and gotten real with it. But now that he has, I wish he hadn’t. Because if you have a problem with strawberry’s you have a problem with me.  And everyone else. That’s not being real. That’s being real weird. And this is the one time weird isn’t good.

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