KJ Punches Pie Thrower

Well, here’s a sentence I never thought I’d say: former NBA star, and current Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson, was hit in the face with a pie last night and then, according to a witness, beat the protester to a “bloody pulp.”

There’s so much in that sentence that I need to repeat it: former NBA star, and current Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson, was hit in the face with a pie last night and then, according to a witness, beat the protester to a “bloody pulp.”

The mayor was at a charity dinner when a man approached him and slammed a pie in his face. Some dude really did that. And that dude was really arrested.

Good. That may seem funny to some, but that’s a felony: dude was charged with suspicion of assaulting a public official: it may seem harmless. That he made his point, and did so without a gun or a blade. But again, it’s a felony.

You…cannot… weaponize a pie.

How many times have we covered this? How many times have I personally spoken out against the weaponization of baked goods? 50, 100? I hate to beat a dead horse. But how is this still happening? How is this still a thing? Worst thing is, you know other disenfranchised, losers are going to see this, and it’s going to spawn copycats. I hate that I’m even talking about this.

How many other criminals are making Betty Crocker runs to the store as we speak. Any jerk can go on the internet and learn how to bake a pie. Great, now we’re going to install pie detectors in all public venues.

I want this pie throwing menace off the street. His protest is a joke. And so is he. And I’ll tell you why, the East Bay Express reports that the pie was store-bought. Screw that. If you’re really committed to your cause, you bake that pie yourself. Homebaked pie says that you’re all-in. And you better not use a pre-made crust. You roll that thing out yourself, if you’re serious. And if you don’t, your cause is a joke. And so are you.

And the other great detail is that it was a farm-to-table event, which turned into a pie-to-face event, and then a fist-to-face event, allegedly. Fantastic. Because not only did dude get hit with a felony charged, he got hit repeatedly, in the face by Johnson. Beating the protester to a “bloody pulp”? I’m guessing the protestor wasn’t expecting that. Thought he could go drive by blackberry pie. So he got arrested for a felony and reportedly got the crap beat out of him by the mayor; hope that was worth it pie guy. But I know it wasn’t.

Hopefully, this will once and for all put an end to the senseless pie’ing in our society. Then again, I’m skeptical. In fact, would it really surprise anyone at all if some moron went upside Senator Tom Chambers’ head with a baguette. Or Congressman Ced Ceballos got drilled with a bear claw. Hopefully not, but I’m not holding my breath.

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