Tiger’s Never Coming Back

The last time we saw Tiger Woods hit golf balls in public, he dropped three consecutive cannonballs into the drink from 100 yards.

Since then, we saw him get booted from a players only Ryder Cup team photo before doing whatever it is vice captains of Ryder Cup teams do, en route to the U.S. victory over Europe this past Sunday.

But now, the countdown to Tiger Woods’ return is officially at just eight days. Strike that. There isn’t actually a “countdown to Tiger Woods return” because, honestly, does anyone really care? It’s not like the Masters or the U.S. Open is next week, it’s the freaking Safeway Open.

While the rest of the golf world is taking a massive break after the Ryder Cup, Tiger’s playing in a tournament named after a supermarket. I’d be more excited if he was playing supermarket sweep.

The only time “Safeway Open” should ever be mentioned, is if it’s late at night, you need some milk, and you want to know is… Safeway open?

Safeway open is a question, not a tournament.

With the NFL rolling, the MLB playoffs starting, college football, and NBA preseason, who cares about meaningless golf tournaments right now? Golf ended on Sunday when the US iced the Ryder Cup. And it doesn’t start until next year. Just don’t tell that to Jesper Parnevik.

He told Golf Digest that Tiger is:“ hitting it great. He’s pounding it a mile and flushing everything his trajectory and ball flight are like the Tiger we knew 15 years ago. Comebacks are never a sure thing, but something tells me his might be spectacular.”

Let me stop you right there, J.

I love that you’re fired up and I love that you two have patched it up, I guess, since the last time I remember you talking about Tiger, it was after he’d just ruined the life of your former nanny, Elin, and you were spitting fire.

“He’s pounding it a mile and flushing everything. His trajectory and ball flight are like the Tiger we knew 15 years ago.”

I don’t care how much he’s killing it on the driving range or the practice green, the Tiger we knew 15 years ago isn’t coming back. He napped it out in the street after Thanksgiving and that’s the last time we saw him.

I don’t care if he wins the Safeway Open by 15 shots and then kills it at the Kroger Classic, the Shop N’ Save Shootout, and the Food Lion Championship. None of that will mean that he’s back. He’ll never be back. There is no Santa Claus, there is no Easter Bunny, and Tiger Woods in 2016 won’t be Tiger Woods of 2001. It’s not happening. It’s never happening again.

Enjoy that it happened and don’t try to convince anyone that it’ll ever happen again.


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