Browns fan, you’ve been good to me, so let me return the favor and be good to you.
Stay home from the game against the Patriots this weekend.
Remember, when the going gets tough, the tough just quit. It’s not how many times you get knocked down, it’s how many times you quit. When life gives you a lemon, quit.
What I’m saying is, don’t go anywhere near FirstEnergy Stadium. Don’t pay to park, don’t tailgate, don’t get decked out in gear, and whatever you do, do not buy a ticket and go inside that stadium.
I’m not saying, don’t honk your team; I’m not saying go to the enemy like Charger fan deciding to rep the Raiders if the team moves to L.A. I’m just saying, I best not see any of you in that stadium Sunday.
Because, and you know this, with Bitter Tommy and Billy coming to your house, you have no chance of winning. No chance of ever getting those 6 hours of your life back if you go to the game.
You’re 0-4, just like everyone expected. You’re not digging out of that hole. Not in that division. Really, not in any division. Your shovel is not sharp. And your will is anything but outstanding.
And this isn’t just me dogging you: never mind what I have to say. Let’s go to the ultimate source: the guy who knows more about football than anyone in the history of the sport: the guy who sets the line in Vegas: that dude has forgotten more about the game than Bill Belichick will ever know; and he’s the best coach ever. Vegas says you’re a 10 and a half point dog: a ten and a half point dog, at home, against a quarterback who missed the first month of the season, and who may be without his favorite weapon, Gronk Sunday.
And you’re still going to waste your hard earned money and time going to see that?? For who, for what. That doesn’t make you a good fan; it makes you a masochist.
Everyone in the AFC is freaking out over the Pats getting a riled Tom Brady back: and you’re just the first stop on his and their “tell me how my ass tastes” tour.
And I not here to destroy you Browns’ fan, I’m here to help you. And to remind you that the Indians are playing home playoff games this week? And to also remind you that LeBron James puts on a show 41 times a year in your backyard? Stay home. Browns fan, you know I have your back, so I’m coming from the best place imaginable. Because that stadium is going to be the worst place ever. Don’t go, you’ll be miserable. And no need to thank me. But if you want to, you’re welcome.