In Hollywood, when a movie goes straight to DVD it’s never a good thing. Same goes for the bedroom.

It’s 2016, nearly everyone has a sex tape. Pretty much, you’re no one unless you have one. And to your next question, do I have one? Absolutely. Of course, it’s with my wife. And we’re middle aged. And mine isn’t locked in a safe but rather is on my desk for anyone to steal. And no one wants to see it. But I have one nonetheless. You know, just in case this show ever goes away.

But really stars: they all have them; because they’re stars and they like to get freaky; what are they supposed to do: NOT TAPE THEIR ACTS OF INCREDIBLE ATHLETICSIM??

And considering who they lie with its only a matter of time before the tape gets leaked, because someone is always looking to get paid. Ask Von Miller.

The Super Bowl MVP apparently rolled tape on one of his wrestling matches on a trip to Mexico back in June. A gal by the name of Elizabeth Ruiz ALLEGEDLY is threatening to sell the video unless Von pays out $2.5 mill.

I’ll give Von this, though. His legal team is working hard to block this. They’re claiming Ruiz wants “to be the next Kim Kardashian” and has contacted TMZ to sell the tape as well as contacting a “widely-known sex tape broker” to help Yeah, I said it. A sex tape broker.

Let me tell you how this town works: sure celebrities make a lot of dough. Because every celebrity has a team of specialists that needs to be paid: your agent gets a percent. Your manager gets a percent. Your attorney gets a percent. Your publicist gets a percent. And yes, YOUR SEX TAPE BROKER GETS A PERCENT.

Apparently Liz Kardashian Ruiz filmed the wrestling match on her cell phone and Miller claims he insisted at all times she keep the video private. He said he reached out to her after the trip asking her to destroy the video to which she hit him back with: “Gotcha.” Hmmm…. And she STILL didn’t delete the video? I wonder why. Maybe because now that she’s stateside, she can’t turn on her TV without seeing Von and his clear-frame glasses, and she wants a taste of that Old Spice and Madden ’17 commercial money.

I’ve been giving a lot of advice about how to use Twitter lately… Seems now I have to offer my advice on sex tapes. I say don’t tweet angry, don’t tweet drunk… How about this? Don’t tape yourself getting down. ESPECIALLY if you’re a public figure. And especially if it’s with quote an Instagram model.

If you REALLY want to “watch it back” why don’t you just LIVE IT BACK!  And if you don’t want your sex tape leaked, don’t MAKE a sex tape!

I don’t want to say it’s that simple… but IT’S THAT SIMPLE. Bad, bad, look. And further evidence, yet again, that the undisputed, unbeaten, untied, heavyweight champion of the history of the world is SEX!!

Von… I know you like chickens… Well, now your chickens have come home to roost my man.

Memo to all athletes: you all need the Derek Jeter rule: make every single guest, leave their phones in a basket by the front door when they enter your house, vacation house, hotel suite, car, garage or wherever you get it on: you’re just going to have to get used to getting down without capturing the moment on vid.

You want to be a porn star, be a porn star; otherwise handle your business, quietly and like a pro.


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