With the Senior Bowl here, we can officially kick off “Anonymous Scout” season. That time of year where the knives come out during evaluation season… And things sometimes get a little weird.

Not just because grown men do their best to bury a kid’s professional prospects by slamming him to some reporter willing to write up whatever juicy quote they get without ever putting their name to it.  I.e.. “too soft.” ..”Doesn’t love the game.” “No football IQ.”

And it’s not just a matter of killing some kid’s character by saying something that may or may not be true, and not attaching your name to it. It’s all the descriptions they attach to these players when grading them, and determining whether or not they’re ready to make the jump to the NFL.

I should have said this off the top. This take is graphic in nature. And may not be suitable for our younger listeners, or for listening to at work. Again, this take is graphic in nature. You’ve been warned. Because what I want to know is are these scouts and coaches watching the combine, pro days and individual workouts? Or are they watching 70s porn?!

Ever hear or read their descriptions of the players? They talk about:

Loose Hips.
Long Benders
Strong Jam
Powerful Burst
Great Rip Move
Explosive Penetrator
Stiff in Coverage
Total Forklift

That’s not all…what about the freak with…

Excellent Kick and Slide
Downhill Thumper
Heavy legged Waist Bender
Perfect Bubble Butt
Unbelievable Get off
Oily Hips and Beautiful Body

Guys — Enough. It’s football. Not Boogie Nights. I mean, how many of you soccer moms just drove into a ditch listening to that. And Sarah T., you’re welcome. No need to thank me for your favorite Jungle Segment ever. I already know. Keep it together, girlfriend.

I’d love to say this was just a crazy bit and I made up all these over the top terms. But I didn’t. In fact, I didn’t make any of them up. NONE OF THEM. THEY ALL EXIST.

I wish I was making them up. But these are real terms. Football jargon, not something from the back of that video store your mom wouldn’t let you go in on the wrong side of town.

Long Benders. Explosive Penetrators. Again, get your head out of the gutter. This is FOOTBALL TALK.

Anonymous Scout… Is really nothing more than perverted creep.


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