Brace yourself. The Super Bowl is still 11 days away. With the extra week of Super Bowl coverage comes extra, unnecessary content. You’ve probably seen the articles: WHY THIS GAME IS A MUST-WIN, WHICH TEAM IS BETTER BASED ON THE SQUARE FOOTAGE OF EVERY PLAYERS’ HOUSE, THIS FAMOUS CHIMP HAS CHOSEN THE LAST 6 SUPER BOWL WINNERS, HERE’S WHO HE CHOSE THIS YEAR…

And all of this comes before that circus freak show they call Media Day.

But probably the dumbest headline I’ve seen so far… and I quote: Super Bowl 2017: What to tell your kids about ‘Deflategate’

All I can say is…… IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME. Deflategate began in January 2015 and officially ended, what, over six months ago… And all this time I’ve been struggling with how to explain it to my kids. NO, I HAVEN’T.

Honestly, if THE SUPER BOWL 2017: WHAT TO TELL YOUR KIDS ABOUT ‘DEFLATEGATE’ article is any longer than: “STEP 1: DON’T… the end” then it’s already too long.

SPOILER ALERT.  UNFORTUNATELY, It is. The article breaks down the entire scandal in detail, step-by-step and follows each step with tidbits on how to explain each it to your kid. For example:

  • For your kid: NFL footballs have to be a certain size. The Patriots won a game (and maybe more) with footballs that weren’t regulation size and that is not fair.
  • For your kid: The man wearing No. 12 for the Patriots was told to he couldn’t play for four games as punishment.
  • For your kid: No. 12 for the Patriots was believed to have some knowledge he was playing with under-inflated balls and didn’t like his punishment. So he protested and his punishment was delayed for a year. He’s playing in this game because his team still won. 

Most parents have a hard enough time keeping their kids attention while reading a Thomas the Train, book. You think they’re going to settle in for a detailed discussion on PSI levels, breaking cell phones and the repercussions of it?! In a word: no. In two words: Hell no.

Look, it’s bad enough I have to sit through a 3-hour puberty seminar at school with Junior something I’ve done twice now: something that turns out to be nothing more than a two hour Beavis And Butthead episode when the teacher breaks out the overhead transparencies and shows us pictures of genitalia.

But even that isn’t anywhere near as awkward as sitting junior down and walking him through Deflategate. Hell, the most awkward moment of my entire life is when my parents busted out the how babies are made book on me and my sister in the 70’s.

Without knowing that by age 12, I could have taught them the class.  HEYYY OHH!

Let me tell you something, there are just certain things I won’t talk to my kids about. Actually that’s not true. There’s nothing that I can’t discuss with my kids. Except that. Except Deflategate!

I get that this is just the local fish wrap looking to take a shot at their Super Bowl opponent; reaching for something humorous: except much like most of your submissions, clones it’s not funny. You don’t talk to your kids about Deflategate. Our your friends. Or your co-workers. Or anyone at all. It was the biggest, most annoying thing ever; and it was officially dead and out of our lives. So why the hell would you take the paddles to it right now.

We already had a crappy postseason, and are looking forward to a killer Super Bowl. So let’s just focus on what’s right about the game and now what’s annoying. Talk about how babies are made? I’d rather SHOW my kids how babies are made than spend even one second talking to them about Deflategate. Worst idea ever.


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