Keep Your Head Down, Sam

Sammy Sosa has reemerged from wherever the hell he was to do something far more suspect than hitting 66 homeruns in 1998.

Speaking to Chicago Cubs media relations person, Chuck Wasserstrom, Sammy Sosa compared his plight to one Jesus Christ: “It’s like Jesus Christ when he came to Jerusalem. Everybody thought Jesus Christ was a witch, and he was our savior. So if they talk s*** about Jesus Christ, what about me? Are you kidding me?”

Are we kidding you, Sammy? That’s your tag on the quote? Are we kidding you?

Bro, I didn’t even know you still existed and when you finally do pop back on the grid, the first thing you do, is compare yourself to Jesus Christ. Makes sense.

Let’s play a little word association. I’m going to say something and you all just blurt out the first thing that pops into your head. Ready? Jesus Christ. SAMMY SOSA!!

Bro. I’ll be honest. I’m not the holiest of folks. While I have my beliefs, I probably am not the most devout person y’all will ever find. But I think pretty safe in saying, Sammy Sosa and Jesus do not have anything in common.

Unless Jesus was once peaking out of his mind on roids and went from hitting 36 homers to 66 in a single season. Actually, everything Jesus told non-believers at the time was more believable to them than that magic show you and every other roider in the sport put on a couple of decades ago.

Look, dude. I know the Cubs are no longer lovable losers. In fact, they’re one of the best stories ever. And you’re not a part of that. And that no one in Chicago knows or cares about you at this point. And that has to hurt. Just as your irrelevance does.

But showing up and comparing yourself to JC is not the way to get back into folks’ good graces. You say you’re not going to beg them to take you back. Maybe you should. Because no one misses you and no one is interested in seeing you there. Especially when you open your mouth and diaharrea like this flows out: quote:

“When nobody knew who Chicago was, I put Chicago on the map.”

Pretty sure Chicago put Chicago on the map. And it happened long before you showed up, took the spike, and jumped ship a few hundred times. Pretty sure Chicago was there before you were there just as I’m sure it’s still there and I have no idea where the hell you are. Stop  rewriting the New Testament and going all Chris Columbus on Chi-Town.

Look, I’m way beyond killing a guy for shooting bull roids back in the day: he wasn’t the only one doing it and we are all complicit on some level for the Roid Era. Except not all of us are comparing ourselves to Jesus Christ. Or claiming naming rights on one of the biggest and most historic cities in this country. In fact, only one person is doing that. You.

And you need to stop doing it immediately. Zeus, Thor, Superman, Paul Bunyan, Ghandi. Nelson Mandela and Mother Teresa think you need to keep JC’s name out your mouth.

Keep your head down, Sam. It’s a way better look for you.

 

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