2017 Oscars

This is a sports show. I’d love to lead with a sports story. But today, there really isn’t any story in sports that can compare to this.

Hollywood had themselves a NIGHT. Two months of starvation diets, million-dollar outfits and spontaneously scripted self-important statements to celebrate movies that NOBODY saw came down to one, glorious, MELTDOWN:


Uh-oh! Unbelievable. Pandemonium. Maybe the greatest moment in movie history.  Definitely my favorite Oscars ever. Hell, that might have been better than the super bowl. And the super bowl was the best I’ve ever seen.

Bad enough that they had to wheel Bonnie and Clyde out there. I mean, sure, classy as hell, but like a combined 500 years old.

Then again, I can’t put this on Warren and Faye. Even if dude had to make maybe the biggest Hollywood decision of all time; and he knew something was wrong. You could see it on his surgically stretched out face. You could see his wheels spinning; how the hell do I play off getting the wrong envelope. What do I do? What do I do?! And he gives it one last good thing… and just passes it to Faye so she could step into the buzzsaw and announce the wrong movie.

That said, I can’t put this on Beatty and Dunaway. It was their job to read the envelope. That’s it. Period. And that’s what they did. They did their job. They read what was on the envelope. And Pricewaterhousecoopers have a job to do as well. The same job they’ve had for 8 decades at this show. To give the presenters the right envelope. And they didn’t. They obviously didn’t do their job. So if you’re looking to blame someone, go there. I know CBS CEO Les Moonves did: “I felt bad for all of the participants. La la land is a great movie, and Moonlight is a great movie. They both deserved to be best picture. I wouldn’t have been unhappy either way. But it’s a self-inflicted wound. The accountant has one job, to hand the guy the envelope. I don’t understand how something like this happens.”

In other words, do your freaking job!

How the hell does that happen? They got the best picture wrong? What’s next? Are you going to tell me that they put a living person in the ‘in memoriam’ segment? Yes! They did that too! While showing the name of costume designer Janet Patterson, who did pass away, the put up the picture of producer Jan Chapman, who is not dead!! Uh oh!

The two mistakes you pretty much can’t make are getting the best picture wrong and putting the photo of a living person in the ‘in memoriam’ segment and they did both!

So, they gave Beatty the wrong envelope and the wrong people were on stage for a few minutes. No big thing. It’s not like they actually killed someone. Well, actually, they did.

Of course, no sooner than it went down, every loser and egg with a twitter feed, reached for their phones to thumb out the same tired, played, one liners: “La la land blew a 3-1 lead! Or who was reading those cards? Steve Harvey. Guess Barbarino’s off the hook!

Or they shopped crying Jordan on Warren Beatty’s mug. So tired. So predictable. So lame.

So stop ruining what was an otherwise perfect moment. The moment, being, it was their super bowl and they handed the Lombardi trophy to the wrong team. And when they’re rolling the in memoriam segment next year, be sure to drop in a pic of Pricewaterhousecooper’s reputation, because that’s dead and gone.

 

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