Underwear Olympics

The Underwear Olympics are here. Football men fawning over draft prospects in spandex — getting hot and sweaty over the latest thee-cone drill or 40 time, over that small school outside linebacker with loose hips and unbelievable reach who ripped off 24 reps on the bench and NEARLY got 25 but couldn’t get his arms locked out.

That’s not the thermostat ticking up — it’s just Football Men get all hot under the collar when they hear Mitch Trubisky checked in at 6-2-AND-1/8th!!! — putting to rest all those SALACIOUS rumors that Trubisky might be — GASP! — just 6-foot-1.

Because that’s what should be worrying NFL teams. Not that Trubisky started just 13 games in his college career and played in a mickey mouse offense, but that without a thick pair of socks he might be 6-foot-1 and 7/8ths.

But the combine. Where Fake News like “Mitch Trubisky is just 6-foot-1” is put to bed. Where we throw away 4 seasons of actual football games to fall in love with the guy who wins a 40-yard track-and-field sprint, or nails the standing broad jump. Where the latest and greatest controversy ISN’T Joe Mixon and Chad Kelly staying home but some of the TROUBLING INCONSISTENCIES in hand size and arm measurements.

What kind of world do we live in when we can’t get a straight answer on Pitt offensive lineman Adam Bisnowaty — whose ARMS are now a full 1.5 INCHES longer than they were at the Senior Bowl? Or the curious case of Troy offensive tackle Antonio Garcia — whose arms went from 32 7/8th inches to 33 and 3/8ths — crossing the all-important, and universally agreed upon 33-inch line that’s mandatory to be a good offensive lineman. I smell a CONSPIRACY.

Football Geeks are ALL IN this week — taking a break from wearing out the All-22 Game Film of the top quarterbacks in the draft to doubling down on hand size — with DeShone Kizer’s 9 and 7/8 hand clearly No. 1 on the Winter Mittens board.

But you can’t dig deep enough in the NFL. With millions of dollars on the line and the NFL Draft the lifeblood of an organization, every one of these picks count. Every 6th rounder could become Tom Brady and every missed first rounder could wreck a franchise like JaMarcus Russell or Ryan Leaf.

So forgive that grizzled scout with the tobacco stain on his shirt when he sits up a little straighter when Leonard Fournette walks by displayed those 240 chiseled pounds. Or Christian McCaffrey showcases that athleticism that everybody doubted when they watched him run for 3 MILLION YARDS, but ERASES ALL WORRIES after he puts up an UNREAL three-cone time.

It’s Scouting Season. And as the dead of winter turns to spring, how can you blame a group of Football Men for getting a little bit weird when it comes to finding that next Explosive Penetrator or Downhill thumper with oily hips and a beautiful body. It’s borderline erotic.

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