I love a good hypothetical… So when Arian Foster’s Twitter machine fires up and breaks up the monotony of a non-NFL Sunday afternoon, you know I’m in. Regardless of the topic.
After all, this is one of the most interesting players in league history. A guy who once tweeted, “The antidote to unhappiness is found in whale blubber.”
A guy who doesn’t just spit hot takes to get you to look at him, but rather can back up just about everything he says.
So Arian spent his Sunday afternoon taking us down a true Man vs. Wild scenario. Only replace Bear Grylls with a former NFL rushing champ.
Quote…‘Wanna go camping but “wildlife” scares the [BLEEP] outta me.’
He immediately chased that tweet with…
‘I honestly think I can get a wolf 1 on 1 tho.’
Hell yeah. Hypothetical or not, ring the bell… Because the fight is on! Not between Arian and some wild k-9… but between Arian and Internet haters everywhere. Because as he tweeted, they circled him in droves, as they do, ready to pounce. Only problem is, my man wasn’t just shooting from the hip. He prepared. He sized up his opponent, not so much the wolf, but twitter eggs and no lifers, before he threw down. He fought the fight in his mind, before he did so in the Twittersphere.
In other words, in addition to the wolf, he was fighting with losers on twitter who had nothing better to do. Arian threw out that raw piece of meat, and those starving eggs pounced.
More on that in a minute…but first a thought about Arian v. The wolf. Arian sets it up beautifully by getting the wolf to go 1 on 1. You can’t find one wolf fight, anywhere, where his buddies don’t immediately jump in. They’re like a group of frat bros after one too many Natty lights. Fake tough guys who travel in packs; like the wolf. I respect Wolves for certain things but not their willingness to go toe-to-toe; this animal has earned its rep as ferocious by basically killing livestock in the middle of the night and snatching little kids.
‘I’m 230, wolfs are what, 180-200 tops? He has no thumbs. If I control his neck he’s dunzo’.
‘I’ve studied the wolf. He can’t read. I know his weaknesses. Plus the thumb thing.’
My man feels really strongly about the advantage that comes with thumbs. And believe me some of the losers who came at him on twitter, probably wished they didn’t have thumbs by the time it was over. Or they wouldn’t have thumbed on alleged heat like this: ‘hey @arianfoster a wolf also hasn’t had groin, hamstring, and knee injuries in the last 6 years. Advantage: Wolf’
Sure, that shot landed flush. But Arian didn’t blink, and he didn’t back up. He shoot it off, retweeted it with this haymaker:
‘also hasn’t been to 4 probowls, overcome those injuries and DOESNT HAVE THUMBS. Advg: me, f***er.’
STRAIGHT FIRE! SHUT… IT… DOWN!
Twitter losers out there: You come at the king, you best not miss. Unfortunately that didn’t stop some egg from rolling up to Arian saying:
When this guy was in the league, he was by far the sport’s most interesting guy. Now that he’s retired, I’m glad to see nothing has changed. Arian would always say, if you want to be interesting, be interested. My man, stay interesting.
No surprise here, but I’m Team Foster. Not just 1 on 1 with a glorified sheepdog. But for spicing up a Sunday afternoon with one of the best Twitter runs of all time, bringing the same type of curiosity and intellect to a subject that he did to his NFL career.
That’s a dude I want at my camp fire. And yes, He’d wreck a wolf.