Who Humped Jaws?

Nothing worse than what you do in your private time goes public. Like when a photo of yourself falls into the wrong hands… and by wrong hands I mean EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET.

Weird story. Over the weekend, a photo went viral of a grinning, plump, naked guy hugging what appears to be a dead shark on the back of a boat. U.K.-based wildlife TV personality Anneka Svenska took offense to the photo and tweeted it asking: “Who is this man? Please RT, find him & ask him why he did this? Where is the humor in humiliating slaughtered animals?”

When you put the Internet up to solve a mystery, they work fast and diligently… only with THIS photo, it took all of maybe 2 seconds to realize that the naked dude riding the shark looked EXACTLY like Florida Gators head football coach Jim McElwain.

The pic circulated message boards and SEC Twitter all weekend. No doubt, that grin, that hair, and that body type was Jim McElwain, right? Deadspin reached out to Florida, and a spokesman for the school’s athletic department said that McElwain became aware of the photo over the weekend. The spokesman also added, “He’s told us it’s not him.”

Not a flat out denial by the school: not unequivocally, absolutely that is not him. Just, “He’s told us it’s not him.”  

Oh really? You mean he didn’t openly admit to humping JAWS? How’d that conversation go? “Hey Jim… uhhh…ummm… that’s not… that’s not you humping that shark naked in that photo is it? No? Ok, cool. Wouldn’t be doing my job if I DIDN’T ask.” 

I mean, what do you think he’s going to say?! If your boss hit YOU up asking if you got naked with a dead shark this weekend, would you own it? HELL NO! So OF COURSE he’s not going to own it.

Look, I’m not saying it IS him. I’m just saying, Florida’s defense is pretty lame. Not persuasive. No alibi. No “Jim was out recruiting this weekend.” No, “Jim was watching film.” Because he was creating his own film… a Sharknado porn… Sharkporno… ALLEGEDLY.

Like, who sees a shark and thinks, “Man, the things I could do to you…”

Look, we all do crazy things when we’re away from work. I’m not about to hit up the XR4Ti and grill them about what they did this weekend as I don’t want them asking me either. If bumping uglies with marine life is their thing, I don’t want to know about it. As long as it doesn’t affect their work, I don’t care. What they do in their time is their business.

All I know is the SEC is brutal. When the Gators hit the road this fall, you’re going to be getting a lot of Tigers, Bulldogs, and Volunteers dressed as sharks with signs like, “Why didn’t you call me back?” or “I still remember, McElwain.” or “You free after the game, Jimmy?”

But just leave the dude alone. He’s told us it’s not him. And if he says it’s not him, that should be good enough.

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