Finding The Shark Humper

SharkHumperGate2017 isn’t going away anytime soon. At least not until we figure out who it is in that picture. And it might be a while, because no one in their right mind is going to openly admit to “knowing” that shark in the Biblical sense.

The folks at Deadspin are staying hot on the case, following a lead that it could potentially be the CEO of Jimmy John’s, Jimmy John himself, who is an avid hunter, fisherman, and outdoorsman and looks like the guy in the photo, but a spokesman with the company said it’s absolutely not him. Jimmy John’s is FREAKY FAST. Not FREAKY with FISH, apparently. Scratch him off your list.

Which is TERRIBLE NEWS for Florida head coach Jim McElwain. Because all eyes turn back to him… again. Even after Florida dropped that tepid denial, quote: “He’s told us it’s not him.” Not, it’s absolutely, positively not him. Just, he’s told us it’s not him.  They’re going to have to do better than that to get folks off McElwain

And then he had that chance in a sit-down with The Orlando Sentinel, McElwain was asked point blank about if it was him who went Netflix and Gill.

 
Who says journalism is dying? Give the Orlando Sentinel’s the Pulitzer right now.

Thing is, I’m not saying it is McElwain, but he had a chance to put this thing to rest once and for all. A chance to find the highest roof stop in the land and scream as loud as he possibly could, I’m not the guy who got naked and humped that dead shark. That’s not me. And I’m going to sue anyone and everyone who even suggests it’s me.

But that’s not what he did. And he didn’t do himself any favors with that denial either.  I’m not saying it’s him. I’m saying I would have been a helluva lot more emphatic that it wasn’t me. If it wasn’t me.

And coach, if you’re going to start an answer with “First and foremost” there needs to be a “second.”, or next. Or even an alibi. If you weren’t mounting sharks on the open seas, then where were you?

If I’m Jim McElwain, I drop everything I’m doing. Put everything on pause. It’s the off-season. Spring ball is over. I stop all recruiting trips, and I become the lead detective on this Hunt for the Humper. Because until then, everyone is going to assume it’s you. And the last thing you want is for SharkHumperGate2017 to bleed into the week of July 10th for SEC Media days… or worse… the week of July 23rd for… as I’m sure you know, Jim… Discovery Channel’s Shark Week.

It’s a Sea World, errrr, sick world we’re living in, coach. Good luck finding the shark straddler.

 

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