The Rat Cafe

Oh, would you look at that. There’s a RAT CAFE now.

This is one of the greatest months in sports on the calendar. NBA playoffs, NHL playoffs, MLB, triple crown season in horse racing, etc. A great time in sports. But a chunk of clones would rather yuck it up about a restaurant all about rats.

Alright, I’ll play along, with you degenerates. For a minute. Or two.

— Yes….San Fran is opening up a Rat Cafe. The Rat Café will only be open for a limited time this summer.

— Tickets to dine with the rodents cost $49.99.

— Visitors can experience the café on July 1 or July 8 this summer, though more opportunities may be available depending on how popular it is…

— After dining, customers will have 15 minutes to interact with the surrounding rodents.

Because who wouldn’t want to break bread with a RAT. Throw back a few pops with a few RATS.

Cole Kourvais, a spokesman for the San Francisco Dungeon, told MONEY: “This is an opportunity to remind people that, while rats were public enemy number one in the 1900s, today, they are more than acceptable as house pets and café guests.”

Look, I’ve stayed out of this San Antonio-San Fran mini smack off feud we’d had on the show this week, but I might have to start leaning more towards my URINE-filled river walk friends from the Lone Star State on this one.

Dropping half-a-hundo just for the opportunity to dine with rats?! Pretty sure I can do that for free in some cess pool back alley somewhere. Also pretty sure this isn’t an original idea… New York has had Rat Cafes for YEARS! Not on purpose, but they still beat you to the punch, San Fran.

And unlike that dude Cole said, rats still are a public enemy. Maybe not #1 anymore, but they’re still top 5 no doubt… And on this show, they ARE Public Enemy #1.

And save your emails… “ONLY FIFTY BUCKS, ROME?! I’D GLADLY PAY THAT FOR A CHANCE TO DINE WITH RANDY JOHNSON!” or “GLAD TO SEE COREY PAVIN IS FINALLY GETTING THE RESPECT HE DESERVES WITH HIS OWN CAFE!”

Look, no matter how much you want it to be… This ISN’T like a HARD ROCK CAFE or ALL-STAR CAFE for athletes that look like rats. So save your Gary Gaetti and Monica Seles emails. You’re not going to get that snippet of ROUND N’ ROUND you so desperately crave.

The only thing dirtier than those dinner guest rats are you clones trying to steer this program away from sports, and get me to bring back the Rat Family.

I’ll say it one more time and hopefully never again. Time and Place. Time and place. There was a time when it was acceptable if not mildly amuse to find all the athletes and coaches who resembled rats. And slam them into one family we could celebrate.

And yes, I do know that every time you come across a new rat, that was a life moment for you. But that was then, this is now, it’s no longer appropriate and we’re not doing it. And the truth is, I probably shouldn’t have done it back then. And if I’m not bringing this thing back for my own son who asks for it at least once a week, I’m sure as hell not doing it for any of you.

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