Seemed to impossible to think, but Tiger Woods actually looks worse off the course than on it, getting picked up for DUI near his South Florida home at 3 o’clock in the morning: he was booked at 7:18 am, released on his own recognizance at 10:50 am, and with that release, a mugshot for the ages.

Rare is the mugshot that isn’t awesome, but this one is first ballot hall of fame for muggers. The kind of mugshot that just looks worse and worse and worse every time I look at it.

My first tweet after the story dropped was that the cat ran down the wrong Jack. So no sooner than it drops, someone says to me, ‘you know he’s just going to come out, say he’s sorry and that he’s going into rehab.’ And I just laughed, and said you really don’t know the cat do you? No way he owns this.

From the looks of things Woods and his agent simply did what they always do when Woods does something really stupid. They, try to spin and manipulate whatever boneheaded thing he did, to limit the damage as much as they can. In this case, they bust right out and say alcohol was not involved. The cops found him asleep in his car, in the middle of the night, with the engine running, brake lights on, right blinker flashing…but alcohol had nothing to do with it.

The cat said, “I want the public to know that alcohol was not involved. What happened was an unexpected reaction to prescribed medications. I didn’t realize the mix of medications had affected me so strongly.”

So no alcohol was involved? Something was. What was it? OxyContin? Meth? Molly? Were you riding the horse? Looking at that mugshot, you were clearly on something.

From the looks of the mugshot, you were on everything. But not alcohol? Ok… there was no alcohol involved or… Team Woods is just saying that because they think it’s sounds better than he was just out getting smashed in the middle of the night. Either way, they’re working pretty hard here. But why? To preserve what? What’s left of his already shot reputation? Trying to keep what sponsors haven’t already abandoned him? Maybe if he can sell that he was pilled up as opposed to boozed up, a judge won’t rip his kids from him? Who knows??.

Just as I have no idea how that guy, of all guys doesn’t mix in an Uber. Are you really that stupid. Or cheap. Or both?

I know, I know, he just didn’t realize the mix of medications he was on, affected him so strongly. Hey dummy. Driving under the influence is driving under the influence. Whether it’s booze. Or pills. Or drugs.

And it pisses me off: you want to ruin your life and your career? Fine. But get behind the wheel, in that condition, and there’s a really good chance you’re going to ruin someone else’s life. Absolutely no excuse to do that. For anyone. Ever. Especially this guy.

They can say that he wasn’t mixing medications: maybe there was no alcohol involved but it’s clear from reading the police report, he had no business being behind the wheel: the report read: “Extremely slow and slurred speech,” “Woods stated that he was coming from LA California from golfing. Woods stated that he did not know where he was. Woods had changed his story of where he was going and where he was coming from. Woods asked how far from his house he was.”  ALSO…QUOTE: Couldn’t pass the Walk and Turn test, the Finger to Nose test, and when asked if he understood the directions of the Romberg Alphabet, he stated “yes, recite entire national anthem backwards.”

The guy with the seemingly most incredible life ever has now jacked it up beyond recognition: one of the most respected and worshipped athletes ever, are once again, a punchline. To go from the demi-god that he was, to what he is right now, is not easy to do. You know how many escalades you have to wreck and how many Perkins’ waitresses you have to get with for that to happen? Pretty much all of them.

Of course Tiger honks, even media honks are rushing in and blathering on about how sad it all is. This isn’t sad. It’s pathetic: this guy is where he is because of all the choices he made. We all are! He’s an object of derision and ridicule because he decided to run around on his wife with a bunch Perkins waitresses, porn stars and escorts. No one did that to him. He did it to himself. And to his wife. And his kids.

No one slammed a handful of pills down his throat and made him get into a car in the middle of the night, he made that decision himself.

But he’s injured???. Right, like every other athlete in the history of the world. That’s no excuse for him being the bag that he is. If it was, every athlete who tricked a knee or jacked up their back would be running around on their wives, bouncing their escalade off trees and getting picked up for DUI.

So enough about how sad it is. This guy wasn’t dealt a bad hand. He made bad decisions. Bad choices. Lots of them. And they cost him his marriage and his reputation. And that’s not on anybody but him.

He wasn’t dealt a bad hand. He was holding the best hand ever, and he still managed to screw it up. My man, here’s some advice. Forget about golf. Get help. And stay the hell off the road.

 

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