It should be an absolute shock when a couple of former NFL coaches get into a broad daylight dust-up with some locals. But when those two former NFL coaches are Rex and Rob Ryan, then it’s the least surprising thing ever.
The shock isn’t that it happened, but that it took this long for it to happen. And in 2017, when every human being walking the planet may as well be a TMZ employee, that dustup is going to end up video. And of course it did. My only complaint is that we don’t have more. Because what I saw in that 10 second clip could carry an entire three hours.
Start with the location: Downtown Smashville. A day after the Preds waxed the Pens and a day after the Ryan Bros. Took sledge hammers to a Penguins car outside Bridgestone Arena before Game 3.
The boys were loose Saturday night. As they always are. And cameras caught them inside the arena inhaling grub and downing Dos Equis. Stay thirsty, Mis Amigos.
But it wasn’t until the day after, Sunday, when the twins were out for some hair of the dog at Margaritaville, where they really got nice. And to paint the picture, imagine a table inside restaurant but near an open air wall. So even though they’re inside the joint—they’re table is practically on the sidewalk. And this is what makes the video possible—because it was shot by someone walking by.
Important to note—the video provides no context for how the fight started—but it’s still amazing. The two most recognizable twin brothers in sports—all 650 pounds of them—out of their chairs, and on their feet scuffling with a dude half their size—who got the better of Rex—at least in the video.
Because it starts with my man getting put on ice skates. The dude they’re fighting with has a beer in his left hand somehow turns Rex all the way around with a one-handed shove with his right. Not even sure how that’s possible, but Rex was clearly over matched by a guy that looks like he might weigh a buck eighty. Moved off his spot, by a one handed fighter, brawling about 150 pounds out of his weight class.
And Rob wasn’t having any of that. No bro is going to disrespect his bro like that. So Rob goes for this dude’s trachea. Think Bobby Knight quote, “re-positioning” Neil Reed on the floor. By his throat. But another dude pulls Rob off the bro before the bro can make Rob look as bad as the bro make Rex look.
The audio is not nearly good enough to play—but you can hear Rob yelling that dude, “Get your f***ing ass outta here!”
For what it’s worth—I count 5 margs on the Ryan brother’s table—3 on Rex’s side, two on Rob’s.
Two vs. One and someone how the buck-80 guy came out unscratched and the winner.
And what’s Rex doing rolling in a Bryce Harper gamer? And why is it five sizes too small? Maybe he was inspired by Harper charging Hunter Strickland. Although dude looked nothing like Harper in his Margaritaville scrap. Harper at least landed a shot and held his own. Based on this video, Rex had no business visiting this bro in his office.
The second most obvious question is: How did these dudes get hooked that badly? You’d have to assume they’ve heard everything fat joke, every foot fetish joke, every “you’re-the-Hood’s-bitch” joke by now. How do guys who got paid to keep players in line—or used to get paid to do that—step that far out? And in broad daylight, at the most public place of the weekend—downtown Smashville?
Again, we don’t know what precipitated this. Or maybe we do. Jessica Marie, is the girlfriend of the guy who shot the video and she says there is more to it than what is seen on the tape:
If that’s true and I don’t that it is, but if that’s true. Does that change things. Is that a reason to go? Depends who you ask. If you ask my man, Charles Barkley, getting a drink thrown in your face, is definitely a reason to go.
Just as I tried to talk Chuck out of that then, I’ll say the same about the Ryan bros, if that’s how it went down.
Look, I know walking away from something like is not an easy thing to do. Especially, if you’re minding your own business and some bag is looking to get you to swing on them, so they can get paid. I get it… Because there are plenty of no life losers that will angle for an easy payday… I don’t know if that’s the case with this bro or not… But I know this, Rex Ryan is never going to win a bar fight… Even if he wins it, he loses… Because he’s Rex Ryan and he has a helluva lot more to lose than some bag who splashes a drink on him in a bar…if in fact, that even happened… This guy has already coached himself out of the league, and hasn’t even started his TV career yet, and he’s already embarrassed himself and ESPN before even working his first day there.
There’s no doubt the big fella will do good on TV; he was never the coach he led you to believe he was, but the big boy can definitely bump his gums… And will probably excel at breaking own tape… And he should start with his own… That 10 second beauty that made the rounds at jumped the day… That’s something I might actually flip the channel for.
In the meantime, see if you can dry out, push away from the table, and see if you can make it to your first day of work without something like that happening again.