A Cincinnati Red had a FULL GOVERNMENT GAME last night. You know my deal. When a player goes off, I usually hit you with their full government. Last night it was RYAN… JOSEPH… GENNETT.

But honestly, this might be the first time I’d prefer to roll with the dude’s alias… because his alias is BETTER than his government: SCOOTER… FREAKING… GENNETT. Hell yes, he’s Scooter.

He’s nicknamed Scooter after his favorite Muppet. After last night, my man might want to change his favorite Muppet to GONZO. Because that’s what he did. Not once, not twice, not thrice… but FOUR TIMES. Of course. Bad ass name, bad ass game.

Have yourself a night, Scooter. A hat trick AND one.

Look, guys are leaving the yard at an alarming rate: and I’m not sure why that is. Bad pitching? They’re playing with super balls and not baseballs. New roids? Who knows?  But I know this, no matter what they’re playing with or even if the field is unlevel, a dude jumping ship four times in a game is still a spectacle.

And especially if that dude is a 5-foot-10, 185-pound utility man. The dude doesn’t even start and was 0-for-his last 19 coming into the game. And check this: my man hit more home runs last night than he had for the entire season. Came in with 3. Left with 7. Hell, he only had 38 homers in his entire career coming into the game.

You know the phrase: “can’t predict baseball?” This is the definition of it.

He’s now the first major leaguer to mash 4 round-trippers since Josh Hamilton did it in 2012… The first Red to do it ever… and he’s the first scrapper named Scooter to do it ever. Now look, I know the steroid era turned out to be a cold shower for our tater obsession, but check this… there are fewer 4-homer games in the history of baseball than there are perfect games. 17 4-homer games compared to 23 perfecto’s. Meaning, it’s easier to go 27-up, 27-down than it is to leave the yard four times

I don’t want to say you want to start giving this cat the Bonds treatment and intentionally walk him with the bases loaded. Or maybe you do: you have to pitch around him. I don’t care if the bases are loaded and you’ve got Pete Rose, Joe Morgan, and the rest of the Big Red Machine coming up next in the order, this is Scooter Freaking Gennett we’re talking about. You have to pitch around him.

Better yet, don’t pitch around him. Take advantage of the new rule – just hold up four fingers and point to first base. You can’t even risk throwing an intentional ball near Scooter Gennett right now because he’ll reach across the plate and take it the opposite way. . And if you didn’t know his name before last night, you know it now… SCOOTER F. GENNETT… Short for SCOOTER FREAKING GENNETT.


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