You ghouls have incredible radar for celebrities or athletes who’ve put on a pound or two. Which is why I’m shocked I haven’t been getting tweets from Ruffles Wilson or Waffles Stilton. Yep, I’m talking about Russell Wilson. Not exactly someone who I’d expect to have an issue with his weight, but after last season, he felt like he was too heavy and wanted to be more agile. So he did something about it.

According to ESPN, Wilson went to meet with SoCal based food coach Dr. Philip Goglia, who has reportedly worked with folks like Kim Kardashian, Kevin Love, Chris Pratt, and Carmelo Anthony, among others.

At the time, Wilson was eating 2,700 calories per day and he wanted to weigh less and carry less fat. So the good doctor took him from eating 2,700 calories per day to 4,800 calories per day. And doing it in 9 meals per day.

Wait, what? Seriously? He added 2,100 calories to his day, which is roughly the USDA recommendation for the average male, which means Russ went from eating his own food to eating his food and someone else’s. And the doctor encouraged it. Eating more to weigh less. That’s like you’ve got to spend money to make money. Except this doesn’t make sense. But it’s working.

Everyone else is thinking about three square meals per day and Russ is eating three squared meals per day, including four snack sessions. But forget the four snacks, dude has pre-breakfast and breakfast, plus lunch and then something called “second lunch.” What the hell is second lunch? Is that halfway between lunch and dinner, so it’s like “lunner”?

Here’s his daily meal plan:

Pre-breakfast: Tablespoon of almond butter and a tablespoon of jam

Breakfast: Two cups of cooked oatmeal, six whole eggs, fruit, chicken breast

Snack 1: Fruit and 12 almonds

Lunch: Eight ounces of protein with a yam or a cup of rice or a potato and a vegetable

Second lunch: Eight ounces of protein with a yam or a cup of rice or a potato and a vegetable

Snack 2: Fruit and 12 almonds

Snack 3: Fruit, 12 almonds and whey protein

Dinner: Fish or steak and vegetables or salad

Snack 4: Fruit and a tablespoon of molasses or shredded wheat, applesauce, almond butter and jam

Let’s be real. When you think four snacks per day, that doesn’t sound like a recipe for diet success. But then again, most people are snack on Doritos and Ho-Hos, not 12 almonds or fruit and a tablespoon of molasses? 12 almonds. Not 11 or 13. That’s some Tom Brady level specificity. And if you think the whole concept of eating more to weigh less is crazy, wait for Go-leah to really blow your mind. “Every fat guy will say, ‘Food makes you fat. I eat one can of tuna and an apple a day.’ And that’s why they’re fat. Not enough caloric heat. Especially in athletes. Athletic temperatures are huge metabolically. They have a big metabolic load.”

Listen, I have no idea what he means by “caloric heat”, but it seems to be working. And as always, a good eating plan is as much about what you do eat as it is about what you don’t eat. And Dr. Goglia has laid down some rules for Wilson in that department. “One of the important things with Russell and the elite athletes is that none of the foods he consumes are inflammatory foods, which means no yeast, no mold, no dairy, no gluten. Dairy’s like eating moderately hard phlegm.”

Let me repeat that last part – “Dairy’s like eating moderately hard phlegm.”

That’s disgusting. In fact, that’s one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever heard. And that’s definitely not going to be the replacement for the Got Milk campaign.

“Got Moderately Hard Phlegm” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. I doubt you’ll get celebrities to pose for photos with a “moderately hard phlegm” moustache. Few things are better than going to In-N-Out, getting a double-double, some fries, and washing it down with a moderately hard phlegm-shake.

I’ve always said, there’s nothing like waking up on a Saturday morning, making some coffee, pouring a bowl of Cheerios and then drowning them in “moderately hard phlegm.” Or, if I feel like a cheat day, maybe you go with a sugary cereal like Cocoa Puffs and when you’re done with all the cereal, you drink the chocolaty “moderately hard phlegm” that’s left in the bottom of the bowl.

And yet, as crazy as all of this sounds, it’s working. Wilson went from weighing more than 225 pounds with 16 percent body fat in March to 214 with 10 percent body fat now. That’s seriously impressive. Actually, it’s freaking incredible.

I’m off to have my first lunch, followed by my second lunch and, I’m definitely avoiding the “moderately hard phlegm.”


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