The plan for OJ Simpson yesterday was pretty simple. Show up, show remorse, don’t screw up, and get parole. It was supposed to be pretty straightforward, very east and even the Juice couldn’t screw that up, right? EHHHHH!!
It wasn’t quite a full-blown circus, but it was every bit the sideshow that it never should have been.
Where would you like to start? How about with Orenthal telling the parole board that he was “basically living a conflict-free life.”
He was basically living a conflict-free life?! That’s just my favorite athlete quote of all time, but maybe my favorite quote from a human, dead or alive of all time. Oadge is “basically living a conflict free life”?! Uhhh, can you hear me Juice? Didn’t you have a series of domestic violence incidents? Weren’t you charged with two counts of murder? Weren’t you convicted of kidnapping, armed robbery, and a number of other charges? But you’ve been “basically living a conflict free life.” Other than lopping off a couple of domes, kidnapping and robbing people and being an All-Pro in domestic violence, sure, I’d agree, Juice you’re basically living a conflict free life.
I’m not sure what’s more absurd him saying that or the clowns on the parole board not calling him on it.
Then there was this number: “Nobody has ever accused me of pulling any weapon on them. I never have.” You mean, no one ALIVE has ever accused you of pulling any weapon on them. You’ve never used a weapon?! What about that knife, or chainsaw or whatever you were rocking when you showed up to pay Ron and Nicole that visit? You’ve never pulled a weapon on anyone?! Right and Huge Freeze accidentally called those hookers.
“I realized in my nine years here that I was a good guy on the street. I was always a good guy.”
Wait, what? If two people are missing their domes, bleeding out and lying in the street, you were definitely not the good guy on the street.
Or: “I thought I was a good guy. I’ve had some problems with fidelity in my life, but i’ve always been a guy that pretty much got along with everybody.” I’ll give you that, Juice. I know whenever we play word association and someone hits me with, ready? O.J. Simpson, my response is: GETS ALONG WITH EVERYONE, BUT HAS SOME PROBLEMS WITH FIDELITY!!. That and that he kills, robs and kidnaps people.. That too…
Just like it was absurd for him to joke that “I can easily stay in Nevada but I don’t think you guys want me here.” HEY-OOOO Is this Lovelock Correctional Institute or the Laugh Factory? Was that a parole board hearing to determine if you’ll be released from prison or an open mic night? Don’t forget to tip your waitresses.
But he wasn’t the biggest joker there. That title either goes to the moron on the parole board who said OJ was ninety years old. Or the one who told Oadge’s daughter, “don’t worry, we’re nervous too.” Or the one who wore a Kansas City Chiefs tie to the hearing. Seriously, dude, what the hell were you thinking? Nothing says taking your job seriously like throwing on an NFL team necktie. Was the Bills tie at the dry cleaners? Did you have a jersey you wanted him to sign afterwards? I’m surprised the guy didn’t say: Mr. Simpson, you rushed for 458 yards and five touchdowns against my Chiefs, I should tack on three more years to your sentence just for slashing our defense like that!
That was an embarrassing performance by just about everyone from the parole board and from Simpson. And yet as poorly as Oadge handled himself, he still got over. And he’ll get out on October 1st.
After that, what does the future hold? According to OJ, noted good guy, “Right now, I’m at a point in my life that I want to spend time with my family and friends.”
You mean to tell me that he’s going to just go home, play golf and never surface ever again? Sure he’s not. He’s not wired that way. He’s the Juice. And he’ll probably jump on Twitter and it’ll take all of 30 minutes before some egg hooks him by asking if he killed Bill Walsh.
He’s not going away. He still thinks he’s the Juice. The Heisman Trophy winner, NFL star, movie star, pitchman and sideline reporter. Nine years didn’t change anything. We could all see that five minutes into that hearing yesterday. As I said yesterday, these dude is more popular now that he’s ever been, and that run is his oxygen… He needs it… Lives off it… So hell no he’s not going to just stay down, and spend his remaining years quietly with his friends and family.
This cat can’t wait to start being the Juice again… Let’s just hope he doesn’t start killing, kidnapping and robbing again..