Hey, remember Tiger Woods? The former golfer who got pulled over Memorial Day weekend and took a mug shot for the ages. You know, the one with the disappearing hairline, the suitcases under his eyes, looking more like 61 years old than 41 years old. That zombified pic instantly went up in the Mugshot Hall of Fame next to some of the other legends like Nick Nolte and Desmond Bryant’s shirtless, tongue-out pose.

The zoned out cat in that booking photo looked like a guy who had himself a night. And it turns out that Tiger did have himself a night and he had your night and my night, too. The Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office released the toxicology report yesterday and the results are shocking. What was he on? The better question is what wasn’t he on, because the report showed that he had Vicodin, Dilaudid, Xanax, Ambien and THC in his system. In other words, Tiger Woods was on the Tiger Slam of drugs. Two painkillers, an anxiety medication, a sleeping medication, and the active ingredient in marijuana.

Let me repeat that: Vicodin, Dilaudid, Xanax, Ambien and THC. What, molly, meth, pure opium and horse tranquilizers didn’t want any of that?

Winning the 2008 US Open on a busted stick is nothing compared to him being conscious after that drug cocktail. Hell, calling it a drug cocktail doesn’t do it justice, that’s a whole drug ice luge. Did the guy go Supermarket Sweep on a Walgreens, just running along the shelves knocking everything into a cart and then ingesting it all? Seriously, how is this guy even still alive? And how did nobody else not get hurt that night?

Remember when he came out with that statement that what happened was “an unexpected reaction to prescribed medications.” I’m no chemist, but if you just mix every medication there is, there are going to be some side effects. How could that possibly unexpected?

And remember when his team was so quick to point out that he hadn’t been drinking and driving? Right, like rolling around with five substances in his system is better and safer than driving drunk. Because it’s not.

Of course he wasn’t drunk, he didn’t have any space in his stomach for booze after having all those pills. He’s like a pharmacy with legs. The freaking gall of he and his team to know that he was taking two pain meds, an anxiety medication, a sleeping medication, and somehow had the active ingredient of marijuana in his system and then act like it was unexpected and no big deal. If you’re hitting two opiates, an anxiety pill, and chasing that with sleeping meds and THC, that is a big deal. That’s a major cry for help, but they tried to play it off like it was something. Like, to quote Tiger himself, it happens, it happens to us all.

At this point, I’m so tired of Tiger and his team. Just go away. Get cleaned up, sort out your life, design golf courses and hang out with your kids. Hopefully that stint in rehab worked out. That would be great. Everyone should give up hope that he’ll ever win another major because right now, the best we can hope for is that he doesn’t get pilled up again and hurt himself or someone else.


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