When I did a take on the Jaguars last Wednesday, people said I was crazy. There’s no way you can open the show with a take on the Jags! And when I did it again two days later, they said I was completely insane. No way you can have two shows in three days with takes on the Jags, and I said watch me. But then they said, there’s no way you can do three takes on the Jags in five shows, and I said, you’re right, I don’t know if I can. And then along came the Dante Fowler Jr.’s arrest report and my man’s got content for days.
Don’t get me wrong. I like the Jaguars. I really like a lot of the things that they have going for them and I’d rather not talk about Dante Fowler Jr’s arrest, but frankly, he gave me no choice.
Fowler, you’ll recall was the third pick overall in 2015, but missed the first season with a knee injury. He came back last year and had a few nice moments, but nothing as strong as the moment that he had last month when he was arrested for battery, mischief, and petty theft.
Police say that Fowler was driving in the parking lot of an apartment complex when another man, Alvin Trotman, complained about Fowler’s driving. Apparently that’s a reason to go, because Fowler went. And he went hard.
According to reports, he stopped his vehicle, got out, and punched the man. Pretty aggressive response, right? Not for Fowler, because he was just warming up, allegedly.
He then took the man’s glasses and, wait for it…stomped on them. Incredible. Is that Dante Fowler Jr. in an apartment parking lot or the bully from every sockhop in the 1950s. The only thing missing from that would be Fowler giving the dude an atomic wedgie. Taking off a guy’s glasses and stomping on them? That’s so over the top that if it was in a movie, you wouldn’t believe it. You’d be like, yeah, that’s a little extreme. Nobody’s wired like that. Nobody except for Dante Fowler Jr., because he wasn’t done yet.
According to the report, he then “took the victim’s grocery bag, with recently purchased liquor, and threw it in a lake.” WHAT. THE. HELL. DUDE? Punching a guy for commenting on your driving is one thing. Ripping off his glasses and stomping on them is another, but throwing his booze into a lake? Why didn’t you just throw the guy into the lake as well? My man is just working on a different level. Bruce Miller assaulting a senior citizen in the wrong hotel room thinks Dante Fowler needs to dial it down a little.
Most people if you comment on their driving, they’ll hit you with a horn and maybe the finger. Dante Fowler Jr. hits you with his fist, busts your glasses, and lobs your booze into the nearest body of water.
That’s not a police report, that’s a Joaquin email. What are you going to tell me next, that Fowler was wearing an Affliction t-shirt to a wedding, or that he’d just come back from abusing the return policy at Costco?
But maybe my favorite part of the whole thing was Fowler’s statement after the incident. “I could have taken the right approach but I took the wrong one and it won’t happen again. It was an incident that I’ve learned from. I just have to realize the situation that I’m in and what’s at stake. I have to be better.”
“I just wanna let people know and everybody know that’s not me as a person. I’m a better person than that, and it won’t happen again.”
The best part of that is that Fowler said that roughly a week after the incident. My man, I’m not saying that people can’t change and I’m proud of you if you did, but I’m also going to say if you beat up a dude and threw his booze into the water last week, I’m guessing you’re more or less the same guy a couple days later.
Between Blake Bortles chucking the ball out of bounds, Dante Fowler Jr. chucking booze into lakes, and Daneeka tracking down Tinderoni, the Jungle is all about the Jags. And I love it.