Welcome To The DM Club, Willson

There are a few different ways to pass the time on the disabled list. Nationals superstar Bryce Harper went full riff-RAFF and braided his lettuce into cornrows. Cubs catcher Willson Contreras spent a month sliding into a pornstar’s DMs. Neither one them good looks, but one is far worse than the other. Especially when the screenshots of the DMs get posted online for the entire world to see.

And for his efforts, Contreras joins a group second only in membership to the self-gloss club. Make some room Jose Canseco, JR Swish, Marcus Jordan, Chad Kelly, Duke Williams, Le’Veon Bell, and the countless other athletes who got blown up trying to slide into the DMs.

Now, you may or may not know who Mia Khalifia is. Aside from being a huge sports fan with 1.8 million followers on Twitter—she’s also an adult film actress. And I feel pretty safe in saying that most of her 1.8 million followers aren’t looking for her take on Colin Kaepernick. And I sure as hell feel safe in saying that I know Wilson Contreras wasn’t.

Because my man was thirsty as hell in her DMs. Starting way back on August 4th when he started in with, “Hi how are you? I’m sure you get this a lot but I’m a big fan of you.”

Nice, Willson! Great line. I’m sure you get this lot, but I’m a big fan of you. Just what a pornstar wants to hear. I’m sure you get this lot, but I’m a big fan of you. Translation? I watch your porn. And I love it.

He chased that with four emoji’s of different faces, including the winking one blowing a heart for a kiss. But it gets worse. Because three hours later, after getting no response, dude hits with, It will be great if you just say hi.”

And this is when Mia Khalifia finally responded. One word .Three letters. “Bye.”

STRAIGHT. FREAKING. ICE WATER!

Add broken ego to Wilson Contreras’s medical report. But, if you thought that get this dude to back off—you clearly don’t know Wilson Contreras. This guy was back the following morning with, “LOL. Good morning.” To which he got no response.

Six days later he goes with, “Good afternoon.” No response.

Three days later he’s back in the DMs with, “Mi friend” and a fire emoji. No response.

And finally, more than weeks since his last DM he tries again with, “I hope you’re doing good.”

So, you’re probably thinking: Rome, how the hell do you know all this? And I’ll tell you: I know the same way everyone else does—because Mia Khalifia straight put this dude on blast and posted the screenshots last night with the accompanying tweet: “Cubbies, your man is wandering around left field. Can you come get him?”

Talk about your all-time backfires.

Dude’s been roasted. Put out to pasture. Absolutely slaughtered.

Because the only thing worse than how desperate those DMs were—is the days between them. One thing to shoot your shot, get blocked, and walk away. Another to just throw blind darts every couple of days after missing the board so badly.

A good place to have stopped would have been after she hit back with, “Bye.”Actually—a good place to have stopped would have been before sending the first message. No one can screenshot DMs that don’t exist.

Lesson learned for next time, I guess. And maybe next time someone hits you back with a stone cold denial like, “Bye,”—just leave that person alone and stop harassing them with thirsty-as-hell DMs. Or just grab a chair at the barbershop and get braided up like Bryce.

But the only thing more predictable than an athlete getting caught up in some DM’s—is the “I was hacked” card getting played from the bottom of the deck. Because if you believe Contreras’s agency, that’s exactly what happened. Right, because some troll hacked the account and played a long con of DMing Mia Khalifia every couple of days. Because account hackers are now method actors.

No way he was hacked. He was denied. And shamed. But not hacked.

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