The only thing more tired than the will-he, won’t-he seesaw of Ezekiel Elliott’s suspension saga is the will-he, won’t-he of Tiger Woods coming back.

And let me end that for you right now – he won’t. Yes, he announced yesterday that he is coming back to play in his event, the Hero World Challenge, November 30th through December 3rd. Who cares? Seriously, who aside from the guy himself and members of his team who are going to profit off it, who cares? I can’t even muster up a golf clap for that.

Because we’ve seen this story time and time again for almost a decade now. Tiger says he’s coming back, losers get excited, and then he eventually misses a cut or withdraws from a tournament for one reason or another. Rinse and repeat. At this point, I’m out of cares to give to this. I really couldn’t be less interested. This is a pre-emptive take. I’m not interested in hearing from you Sunday red wearing losers who are treating today like it’s Christmas just because Eldrick said he was going to play in a month.

And of course he did it in classic Tiger style with a hilarious tweet: ‘I’d like to thank the committee of 1 for picking myself and Daniel Berger to play in this years Hero World Challenge’

Get it? Because it’s his event. He’s the committee of one who picked himself. HEYYYYYYY-OOOOOO

And if you saw that tweet and got excited, or you’re still one of those suckers who gets excited when he posts a video of himself swinging a club in a practice session and start fist-pumping in your living room: get a life. And get real.

Tiger Woods isn’t coming back to play in the Bahamas, because Tiger Woods is gone. He left when he napped it out in the street eight years ago. The cat disappeared that night and he’s never coming back. The guy who is coming back is barely inside the top 1200 golfers in the world. He’s a guy with four back surgeries, a DUI arrest, and a stint in rehab. A guy who hasn’t made a cut since 2015. Are you really excited about that? Because I’m not.

You don’t see me getting excited about Craig Barlow announcing his next tournament. Or freaking out about a David Law tweet. Or Vince India posting videos of his swing. Or Carl Jespersen saying where he’ll play in a few weeks. And who are those guys? They’re all ranked ahead of Tiger in the world golf rankings. Well, except for Carl Jespersen, who I made up, but Tiger’s down with such anonymous players, you didn’t even know that.

And I’m not excited because I don’t buy it. Just a few weeks ago, he was saying his career might be over. That was the most honest thing he’s said in a long time. And now, a few weeks later, we’re to believe he’s back. Of course he is. How very Tiger.

Will people tune in? Sure. For the same reason that people rubberneck at a car accident. And if people are wanting to see an old dude with some serious rust, then they’ll probably get what they want. If you want to see a busted up old man golf, by all means, go to the Bahamas. But if you want to see Tiger golf, go to YouTube. In the meantime, since he really is going to try, I guess, get ready for his litany of garbage excuses when he inevitably messes the bed: non sense like “getting his golf legs back” or “needing tournament reps” or “activating his glutes.”  I see you working, Cat: an 18 man, no cut field is the only way you’re going to make it to the weekend and cash a check. Even if you have to scratch that check yourself.



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