Everybody knows THAT guy. He slid into the office today wearing a red polo. He’s at the Keurig working on his air-golf swing like a complete bag while his Jet Fuel brews. He’s hammering refresh on Twitter, looking at the other bag in the office who’s wearing a red polo doing the same thing, and throwing fist pumps every few minutes.

Because Tiger Woods is back. Again. No really, AGAIN. He’s back. Teeing it up in the Hero World Challenge for his first competitive round of golf in nearly a year. And that means TIGER GUY is back. AGAIN. And it’s almost like TIGER GUY has been on the range hammering an extra-large bucket himself, because he’s as sweaty and thirsty with anticipation as Eldrick is, who’s telling everybody and anybody that THIS comeback is different than the last half-dozen.

“Now that I’m feeling the way I was feeling it’s just hard to imagine that I was living the way I was living with my foot not working my leg not working and then the hours I haven’t been able to sleep at all because of the pain.”

I can’t tell what’s worse — what Eldrick’s selling… Or all the Tiger honks who are main-lining it.

Let’s be clear: Tiger’s not back because he’s playing in a no-cut, invite-only, 18-man golf tourney in the Bahamas. He’s not back because he’s walking the fairways with reigning PGA Player of the Year Justin Thomas. He’s not back even if he’s treating this weekend like a major, not an extended vacation and free paycheck like 17 of the top 30 golfers on the planet, playing in a tourney he’d never get an invite to if he wasn’t the one licking the stamp.

So Stop it. Just stop. That means you, Hawk. And you too, Arnold. Stop doing this to yourself. Let me do all of you a favor. If you’ve got kids in the car, turn the volume down for like 10 seconds. I’ll wait….

Santa isn’t real. Neither is the Easter Bunny. Neither is the Tooth Fairy. And until he proves otherwise, neither is Tiger. Until he proves otherwise, he’s just a 41-year-old with a bad back who doesn’t play nearly as much golf as he used to — and not nearly as well as he used to. Basically he’s just like every other 41-year-old you know.

So stop telling me that Rickie Fowler said Tiger is bombing it past him in practice rounds. I don’t care. Stop mentioning that Brad Faxon said Tiger out-drove Dustin Johnson on like HALF the holes they played last weekend. It doesn’t matter. Neither do all the clichéd answers he spit out at that presser the other day — the one Tiger Honks were lapping up like addicts.

Even if Tiger grinds his way through 4 whole rounds of golf at a wide-open track in the Bahamas that he knows like the back of his hand — DON’T go pretending like it matters. It doesn’t. About the only good thing going for him is that all he needs to do is stuck a peg in the ground for 72 straight holes and he’ll move up 250 spots in the World Golf Rankings, letting you know just how far Eldrick has fallen, now that he’s barely inside the Top 1,200 golfers on the planet.

Again, that’s awesome. Being one of the top 1,200 golfers in the world would be incredible for a balding, 41-year-old divorced dad with a penchant for getting with Perkins waitresses. But it’s not so good for a guy that used to look like a stone-cold lock to break all of Jack Niklaus’s records.

So again. Tiger honks. Relax. Then talk to me when your man is on a golf course on a Sunday where it actually matters.

 

 

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