How about a very quiet, very dignified, very polite round of applause for the sport of Golf.

Because yesterday, the almighty powers at the USGA and R&A ripped the dumbest page from that novel-of-a-rulebook and fed it to the shredder. Listen up, narks—because this is a shot between the eyes.

No longer can losers on the couch phone into golf tournaments and drop a dime on some player who mismarked their ball. Or dropped in the wrong area. Or grounded their club in some debris.

It’s over. The biggest bags in the history of the universe have been disarmed. So call your cable company and cancel your DVR, you deadbeats. There is no longer any reason to pause and rewind live TV. Because no one wants to hear from your tattle-tale asses anymore.

I could give a damn that is ultimately better for the players—I’m just happy that these losers who have nothing better to do than catch pro-golfers accidentally screwing up—have nothing to do anymore. Because they really don’t have anything to do anymore. If you’re a person with enough time to be a volunteer d-bag from your couch—then you weren’t doing anything else anyway. And I’d tell you to find another sport to play watchdog for—but no other sport is ridiculous enough to let TV viewers call-in and take over the replay center.

The real winner isn’t golf—because this rule change is just a reminder of how dumb they were to even allow it in the first place.

The real winner isn’t Lexi Thompson—because see already had her major ripped earlier this year from some toolbox loser on his recliner.

The real winner is whoever had to work the phones during these tournaments. Because that person never has to pick up a lit line and hear from some mouth-breathing failure wanting them to go on a narking goose chase. That call center employee is the real winner. By a mile.

Do you know how happy I’d be if CBS told me Josh in Detroit and Parody Larry were never allowed to call-in again?

So a golf-clap for the sport of Golf who finally pulled its own head out of its own backside and curbed these loser couch cops once and for all. I can truly say without any reservations—that the world is actually a better place today. You narks can run along now and find someone else to mess with. Just remember, snitches get stitches, bags. Find something else to do, losers.


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