Ladies and gentlemen of the Jungle, Clones, and especially Drew in West LA, contrary to some stupid, misguided, popular belief, I really have zero interest in what comes out of a human body.

In fact, I have less than zero interest. Because it’s disgusting and sophomoric and it really has no place on this show. And Drew, I don’t care what kind of tape you find and dust off. That was then, this is now. Statute of limitations, bro. Look it up.

All that being said: Yes, I saw the lady one row behind the Atlanta Hawks bench last night absolutely lose her breakfast, lunch, and dinner all over the place. And no, I don’t have some snap-take about how the Hawks are so bad that they induce vomiting. That joke’s been made about a thousand times on the internet already. It’s lame. And the Hawks were winning when it happened. So the joke doesn’t work. It doesn’t even make sense.

I do, however, have some advice for the poor woman. But before I get there, I will say that I’m genuinely curious as to what caused her to turn into a firehose of liver bile. Because what the camera accidentally caught last night was one of the most random acts of vomiting you’ll ever see. We’re talking about a woman seated in her chair, at a basketball game, that out-of-nowhere just puts her head down and loses it. Is she wasted drunk? Did she get some bad nachos? Does she have the flu? Hell, is she pregnant? I really want to know. Because the camera left nothing to the imagination except the cause. 

Now, here’s my unsolicited advice for anyone who feels the sudden urge to evac their stomach contents in public:

Do not cover your mouth with your hand like this lady did last night. Do not do that. I get that it’s a natural reaction to try and stop or contain what’s going on—but just don’t do it. Tuck your head and aim for the floor. All you’re doing when you cover your mouth is creating a ricochet wall. And a ricochet wall that’s catching everything at its highest speed. And no one within 10 feet of you in any direction has a prayer of surviving that… So don’t do it. Just remember this: If you feel it coming up, just tuck your head and duck.

Look, I didn’t really want to do this story. But it happened in sports, and it allows me to try and make the world a better, cleaner place with some great advice on limiting the blast radius.

Now, do me a favor and don’t react to this take. Just file it away in the back of your skull for when you need it. I’m not here to make fun of her, I’m here to help the rest of you.

In fact, what you really should do, is next time you’re on an airplane, just rip that paper bag from the chair pocket and carry it with you wherever you go. And on the off chance that you are going to yack, you’re covered. There. You’re welcome. Now, I’m moving on to the next thing. And you should, too. It could happen to anyone. It happened to her and cracking on this poor woman almost ensures it will happen to you. Bad enough that something like that happened at an NBA game and millions saw it, but even worse that it happened on a much bigger stage: the internet and MILLIONS of people saw it. So leave her alone and stop asking me what she had for lunch and keep moving.


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