It’s January 5th. Or exactly 2 days from “New Year, New Me” guy throwing in the towel and giving up the fight. So don’t worry — That Fish being nuked in the office microwave is going to turn into warmed up pizza by Monday. That wearable fitness tracker that the loser down the hall keeps looking at every time they take the stairs half-a-flight is going to be out of batteries soon. And that gigantic, wood-grain, biodegradable, earth sensitive water jug your buddy is lugging around will be a two-liter of Pepsi before long.
You know where I stand on New Year, New Me guy. Firmly on the corner of BAG STREET and TOOL AVENUE. But I’ll tell you who’s even worse that that dude. It’s That COUPLE. Specifically one couple: New Year, SAME THEM couple. The one that was already tough to take BEFORE the ball dropped and five days into 2018 they’re intolerable. You might know that couple. Everybody, if they’re being honest, knows that couple. But I’m ready to call the race. You can go ahead and crown Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez the Baggiest Couple of 2018. Because A-PEZ, or J-ROD, or whatever the hell we’re supposed to call those two went on The Gram and DROPPED THIS:
My TV audience can see the video, but if you’re listening on radio, let me paint the picture for you, because it’s not just Jay Z’s “On to the Next One” featuring Swizz Beats playing. No, it’s freaking A-Rod and Jenny from the Block going through a couple’s workout. Alex, wearing what looks like senior citizen New Balances, running the steps of a run-down soccer field. Jenny, all but lapping him. They’re doing synchronized couples squats. Skipping rope. Planking on medicine balls. Doing burpees. Repping out mediocre pull-ups. Doing resistance back-pedal work. Just when we were starting to LIKE THIS DUDE and TOLERATE THIS COUPLE they go and rub our faces in it — A-Rod hitting his 1.2 million followers on the Gram with the VID. J-Lo dropping a screen shot of her running steps to her 71.4 MILLION GRAM FOLLOWERS.
We get it. You’re better than us. Better looking. Better Shape. Better Bank Accounts. Better everything — except for that bootleg video shot on some smart phone that got banned by TSA for starting overhead compartments on fire. Come on man. Anybody with iMovie and a iPhone 4 can shoot better video than that.
Jenny, I’m leaving you out of this. You’re good with me. Any Fly Girl is good with me. But Alex. You’ve done some incredible work these last few years. You’ve gotten me to almost start to like you. You’re good on TV. You do your work and come prepared. You’ve lightened up. You’ve become an actual human post-career and ALMOST made me forget that you filled your body with an entire fertility clinic and probably cheated for your entire career.
But bro, enough. Consider this your first and only warning.