I meant to get to this yesterday but I was too busy having the best phone call day ever outside of a Smack-off. But I’m gonna double back because this abomination holds for the weekend.
Now, if you’ve listened to this show for even an hour—you know I’m a Magic Blue guy. I like my Bombay Sapphire and I like it straight up. My martinis are less martinis and just straight chilled gin. Dry as hell, so don’t wreck it with any vermouth. I hate that. But I love the rocket fuel. And only Friday. And just one. But that’s my jam; my end of the weekend carrot.
But something you might not know—I’m also a beer guy. Specifically Heineken. Sure, I’ll mix in some IPAs and some Mexican lagers—but mostly I’m all about that German import. And it’s hard to beat a Friday night Heineken that’s just been popped out of a 10 minute freezer sesh. Especially after a workout. Try it tonight. Finish the week strong with a workout and hit a freezer Heiney before dinner. No better way to start the weekend.
I say all that to this say this: I like my gin straight up. And I like my beer straight up. So why the hell are the Jacksonville Jaguars taking food coloring to their suds this weekend? Why did someone, somewhere, get approval to sell teal beer on Sunday? What kind of marketing campaign is this? Do you think anyone in Florida is gonna forget they’re not in Buffalo? Is that why they’re dying the beer? To remind everyone they’re at a Jags game?
Things that are teal: Windex.
Things that are not teal: Beer.
Look, if this was Taco Bell and I was ordering a Baja Blast—sure. Give me the teal drink. But this isn’t the Bell. And I’m not ordering a Blast. This is a football game and this is beer. Beer is golden, not teal. Beer is supposed to look like beer—not an A.M.F.
I love that the brass at EverBank Field says they’ll sling the teal beer “while supplies last.” Perfect. Be ready to be open all day and all night and Monday, too. Because any self-respecting beer drinker who’s already bent that they’re coughing up an Andy Jackson for a 16-ouncer—isn’t about to spend that cold hard scratch on something that looks like a Mountain Berry Powerade.
How very, very Saint Patrick’s Day of you, Jacksonville. Here’s an idea: Let’s get rid of all the lemon wedges, and orange slices, and food coloring—and just let beer be beer.
I don’t wanna speak for the Queen—Daneeka—but I know she’s not throwing down for teal beer. And as much as Bills Mafia wants to roll into J-Ville and eat their food and drink their suds,—even those booze hounds are gonna take a hard pass on that colored beer.
As much as I love the Jags and everything they’ve done this year—they shouldn’t host another home playoff game for another 17 years. Not if they’re gonna dye their beer.
It’s not too late to the right thing, EverBank Field–which is not do anything at all and just let the beer be the beer.
PSA from Van Smack: Say no to food coloring in your beer.
And yes, I saw the Jags were also taking the teal dye to ice cream and hamburger buns, too, on Sunday. Freaking disgusting. A teal hamburger bun? I’ve never seen teal bread in my life and I have no clue why we have to start this weekend. Who asked for this stuff? My guess is no one. So don’t do it. Team colors are for team gear. Not food and beer.