I’ve said it a million times—so let me make it a million and one. Personal appearance is not show fodder. Not yesterday. Not today. Not tomorrow. And not ever again.

But—personal advice is. Especially really damn good personal advice—which I have—for the Cat. And as the Lord of Lettuce it’s actually my duty to bestow this wisdom onto Tiger Woods. Because my man is in desperate, desperate need of a new look up top. And I know I can help.

So Tige—write this down. Because it’s the most important thing anyone will ever tell you. I want you to go see your barber and tell him to give you the “You can’t quit, you’re fired”haircut. I’ll say it again. Tell Edward Scissorhands that Jim Rome sent you in for the “You can’t quit, you’re fired,” chop job.

Because, Cat, in case no one told you—your mane put in its two weeks’ notice. It’s packed up. And it’s walking out. But you don’t have to take that. Because you’re the boss. No need to let the lettuce hang out and play out its time on your dome. Because it can’t quit! It’s fired.

Grab a Bic and take it down to the skull. I’m telling you, bro. You’re the only dude in the world who goes from 42 to 92 when you take off your lid. In fact—until you shave your melon—stop removing your stove-pipe. Keep the headgear on during post-round handshakes. Because your lettuce looks like someone accidentally lit it on fire and had to blow it out. It looks like a lawn with random dead spots. It looks like an alien left crop-signals on your head.

It looks—well—freaking terrible. I’m sorry, dude, but it’s over. Don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just here to help. And you’re not doing yourself any favors hanging onto that fiber. Let it go. Take it down to the brain and don’t ever look back. Trust me.

Look, I’m not telling you to sink a bunch of cash into restoration gimmicks. I’m telling you to become a member of Dollar Shave Club and fire what’s left of your hair. That—or sew your helmet to your head. Because those shots of you on 18 revealing what’s under the lid makes everyone forget about what you just carded.

It’s time—for Eldrick to fully become Baldrick—by choice.


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