Shocking news from the Olympic Village. And no, I’m not talking about the US women beating four-time defending champion Canada in a shootout to win hockey gold. Nor am I talking about the US men wrecking the three-time defending gold medalist Canadian team in curling. Because as good as Canada has been in Olympic hockey and curling, there’s one thing that rules the Olympics more than Canadians on ice… and that’s Olympians in bed.
Every Olympic year, a few weeks before the Olympics, we get the big number. Not the number of tickets sold or the number of venues that still need to be finished, but the number of condoms stocked in the Olympic Village. And in 2018, that number is 110,000. That’s a record for the Winter Olympics, but well short of the 450,000 that were ordered for Rio. That number still blows my mind – half a million condoms for a fortnight.
But that was then and this is now and 110,000 still means that there are more than 37 per athlete for the two weeks and if you get out your calculator and break that number down even further…screw it, there are just a lot of people having a lot of sex.
The numbers are starting to come in and they are, well, they’re something. USA Today reports that use of Tinder in there has increased by 348 percent since the start of the games. That’s a big number, but not exactly surprising. Because hooking up is an Olympic tradition. And busting out the app just makes it easier. Olympic athletes are always looking for the latest and greatest in technology to apply to their game. And sex is no different.
Faster, Higher, Stronger, Tinder.
Now… when the Olympic flame is lit, the Tinder app is fired up. Log on and get it on. And it makes complete sense. You’re in a village surrounded by the fittest people on the planet, of course, they’re all going to be hitting it… The shock would be if they didn’t… truthfully, I’m not even sure they’re there for their respective sport… I think they’re there for the sex, and whatever sport they participate in is just something they do on the side, to spin clock before their next event, in bed… trust me: they may not all have their moment on the podium, with the ceremonial raising of their flag, but I guarantee nearly every last one of them is leaving with a gold and other less desirable medals. If you see me working. Stay safe kids and always wear a rain coat..
And since, this is Moneyball era, it’s all about numbers, analytics and advanced metrics. And while Tinder use has skyrocketed, so has porn. According to PornHub, there was an 85 percent spike in usage in Olympic housing.
USA Today’s Martin Rogers, friend of the show and a great investigative journalist, tracked down the story. One anonymous US male athlete explained the thinking behind those numbers: “Before competing, it is online stuff. Afterwards is when it’s time for the real thing.”
Freaking incredible. There’s a strategy. What a veteran move. Have a plan and work that plan. And by the way, when is that covered in team meetings? Is that before you get to the Olympics or after you arrive? Remember team, before your competition, stick to porn. Afterwards, switch over to Tinder. Don’t make the rookie mistake of Tinder before your competition. Porn first, then bed.. online porn, then in person porn: you’ve put in way too much time, and come way too far to screw this up, porn first.. bed second.. write it down..
Oh, and if you’d like more detail on those porn searches, the site is only too happy to provide that and extrapolate the data for you. They ran the reports, crunched the numbers, and declared that “threesomes” was the most frequently used search term during the games.
A female athlete laughed as she told USA Today: “And you’re surprised by that? It makes perfect sense. For guys, they like being part of a team. For women, it is about efficiency. You’re trying to get as much as you can in the shortest time possible.”
There’s your gold medal quote right there!. And…and…I, uh, you know what? I’m just going to let that quote stand on its own and keep moving. In fact, I’m going to end it right here. Next subject…